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Being trim and healthy is a big part of feeling sexy. Keeping extra weight off keeps us sexually on! About age forty I noticed I was gaining weight, and at age fifty I was shocked to see the scales. I took action and now at sixty, I’m back at my forty’s weight and LOVE it. Here’s the 10 steps I took–and feeling sexy is just one reason to do it!
1) Cut food portions. Yes, after menopause, I eat about one-half of what I used to. You loose weight at the table and not on the exercise machine. I take a to-go bag with me to restaurants and bring half my meal home. I also eat less often in restaurants.
2) Chew longer and slower. My acupuncturist told me, “Chew your drink and drink your food.”
3) Get daily exercise, like morning yoga (20 minutes) and or a walk. Try doing some exercise before eating in the morning.
4) Read all labels. I cut down on boxed foods with sugar and preservatives. I cut down on wheat intake because we get too much of it.
5) No bad fats (anything hydrogenated), and eat good fats like flaxseed oil (in your smoothie) and fish oil (liquid spoonful is a better deal than capsules and taste fine–Nordic Naturals.) I grind up Chia and Camelini seeds in my coffee grinder and add to food.
6) Food combining–I eat meat with veggies–cheese with veggies–carbs with veggies–but not meat, carbs and dairy together in the same meal.
7) Cut down on sugar and baked goods. Eat sugar separately–several hours apart–from other foods. Use agave as a sweetener. It’s low on the glycemic index and won’t spike your insulin and wear out your pancreas.
8) Fermented dairy is best, like yogurt or kefir. It’s easy to digest and remember don’t eat dairy with meat or carbs.
9) Drink lots of water. Especially in the morning when we’re naturally dehydrated from the night. I try to drink 6-8 cups a day, in tea kombucha, fresh lime aid (no soda).
10) Lifestyle: I don’t eat much after 7 pm, go to bed early, and get up early. A Chinese proverb says, “One hour of sleep before midnight is worth two after midnight.” Daylight and dark have a strong effect on our healing rhythms: organs rejuvenate on a schedule during the night. Cleanse for a week or two every spring.
With these ten steps to good health, your sexual health will thrive too. We’re all connected. We can’t single out one thing from the other. At sixty, I look and feel great. You can take ten years off your age just by not getting fat. I like being light on my feet, quick to action, flexible, and enthusiastic about life.
Why don’t people talk about how great aging can be? Menopause was the best thing that happened to my sexuality–I’m at the top of my cycle every day–without the dips! Why don’t we tell young people the truth about sex and aging–there’s so many negative myths out there. Sex, like life, just gets better as we get smarter, more compassionate, more truthful and more appreciative.
No matter how well you kiss or not, you can take your kissing skill to the next level. If you don’t get kissing right, things will not progress. Kissing is the testing ground for going deeper. You can learn to navigate juicy kissing territory with greater confidence, success and passion. Great kissers are not born, they are made.
You need to learn the difference between kissing (doing) vs. being kissed (done to)–and why the difference is important. You will expand your pleasure if you learn styles of kissing that are female-based vs. male-based (the norm and often over done). Learn kissing that gradually heats up on a scale of one-to-ten on the ‘Touch Scale.” Your kisses, with these simple lessons, will surprise, delight and dispel old routines.
Start out Slowly: Know the difference between Male and Female Touch.
Kissing tests the waters for going further, so don’t make to the mistake of kissing too hard, too fast, too wet, too soon. If a man is too eager and rushes past the subtle and whispery beginnings with me, I step back. Immediate too-much-tongue-mouth-mauling misses the point. Discovery by kissing is a tender, playful journey.
Start out slowly and leisurely with your kissing. On a scale of one-to-ten male touch is five-to-ten. The much softer and gentler female touch is one-to-five on the scale of pressure, wetness, and speed. For the female side of the Touch Scale, think feathers, eyelashes, hair, cheek or lips brushing–almost dry–over the skin. Think warm breath and pauses between nibbles.
Remember ‘stillness’ is a stroke, number one on the Touch Scale, and play it to your advantage. Any musician knows without playing the rests, there is no music. Female touch is more like lightly caressing of the surface of the skin, not manipulating the musculature. Most men rush by or never even experience this slower, softer kind of touch which women adore.
How lightly can you kiss? With a relaxed, soft mouth, graze over her cheeks and facial features barely touching the skin. With an almost dry tongue trace the eyebrows. Tenderly kiss the tip of her nose and the corner of her lips. Explore her contours with your mouth, make it up as you go, moment by moment.
Breathe lightly into an ear and lick its contour. The mouth is so sensitive that less is often more. Your lips and tongue are exploring and discovering each nook and mound. Your attitude is inquisitive, like a child playing a new game with each kiss. Once on her mouth kiss lightly without your tongue at first.
The Kissing Game: Separate the roles of giving and receiving.
Once I had the most wonderful kisser for a boyfriend, so I was surprised when after time I got bored with our kissing. Then I discovered why. He was always kissing me (do-er) and I was always receiving (done-to). It just got routine. As soon as I realized I needed to trade roles occasionally, things cooked up. Instead of the predictable “his way”, we began to share the lead. Culturally women are shy to lead, but men love it. They really want to please us and are thankful when we show them how.
Here’s a non-verbal kissing game to try with your partner. Take turns being the active “kisser” and receiver of kisses or “kissee.” When you are the kissee offer a soft, slightly open mouth for the kisser’s exploration and do not react by moving (not easy to do!). Close your eyes and tune into your sensations. Breathe.
When you are the kisser find new ways to explore the sensations of your mouth and tongue for your pleasure on your lovers face and body. Tune into your sensations and breathe. Decide on a time frame like five or ten minutes for playing each role of kisser and kissee. Play the game with a sense of adventure and a clear intention for discovery. Keep the time frames tidy so interest holds. Then without talking, reset the timer and switch roles. Afterwards, offer the highlights of the game and share what you liked about your partner’s kisses. Each time you play the game you learn. Keep your feedback positive.
Nothing will spice up your kissing more than relaxing into receiving what your partner is giving you without needing to take over (not easy to do, but worth it–especially for guys). Let the woman be in charge, and if she doesn’t volunteer, suggest it. We are in a culture that tells her not to be bold or lead, so ask her! You’ll be so glad you did. Experiment with kissing, not only trading roles giving and receiving, but experiencing the whole gamut of male and female on the Touch Scale 1-10!
I showed up for my first improv acting class feeling like a fish out of water. What was I doing with all these brave, hip youngsters who ‘stream consciousness’ from iPhones and now, the theatre stage?
I feared I didn’t share the same TV shows, movies, music, or pop idols–how would that work for improvising together? Our two improv teachers (not yet thirty, I guessed) were enthusiastically sharing the rules for theatre sports at our first class.
Be willing to FAIL! “Fail Big, and Succeed Big,” they chanted. “Take a risk and trust your instincts, they may be smarter than you.” They taught us fun games to help us “pay attention, commit to the game, and bring out our deeper physical, vocal and emotional energy.”
Wait a minute, I’m a sex and intimacy coach and these chicks were stealing my lines. “Don’t worry about the rules or being concerned with GETTING IT RIGHT,” they went on, “Be willing to give up some control.” Whoa, I thought of my men coaching clients here. “Don’t self-censor,” whoa, here I thought of my women clients seeking more intimacy.
These neat young teachers spilled out their passion for improv, “Make eye contact, open your awareness, say yes, and make your partner look good!” Hooray, I thought, are we talking improv acting or good sex here? Then they landed what I thought was the clincher, “Listen to the group mind, and get quiet…you’ll know what is needed of you.” Now there’s a golden lesson for a good time on stage or in bed.
OMG, these two groovy teachers could be great sex and intimacy coaches just teaching the principals of improv theatre! This class was right up my alley. For the next two months, we had fun with improv games that reminded us to give up control of ‘what-we-thought-should-happen’ and go with the group mind. Again and again, we practiced being in the moment, knowing that the last thing said or done was the most important, co-creating, supporting and connecting with each other.
I’m a cheerleader for Shana and Lauren’s SEX 101–err, I mean, Beginning Improv Acting class. In class…like in bed, I trust that my partners and I always have what is needed in each moment, and SHARING the creative process is spontaneous, spunky, and never routine! Check boredom at the door. And check out these chick gurus and their improv classes at www.merlin-works.com You may even become a better lover!
I sought out the sauna at my local gym wanting to get warm after three solid weeks of hard Austin winter. After saying ‘hi’ to a woman on the lower bench we started talking about her philosophy class. She said the men in her philosophy class didn’t want to ‘hear‘ her feminine perspective. I told her the men who come to see me as a sex and intimacy coach–really want to hear my perspective.
I shared how men often look me in the eye and say without a doubt they are clueless when it comes to pleasing a woman in bed. Men offer me more vulnerability and honesty in a few minutes of talk than they’ve probably shared with their partners in decades of marriage. My new sauna friend was intrigued, she’d never heard of an intimacy coach. “Sex is always so hush, hush,” she said, “We grope in the dark guessing and hoping we’ll get it right.”
Two men chimed in to our discussion in the dimly lit warmth, one young and one middle aged. They reflected on how growing up male, with narrow and traditional views, didn’t fit them. They struggled to discarded the ‘stiff upper lip’ of their father’s generation to find new models of masculinity. We talked with ease and interest about the ways men learn about being a man, including male sexually, like pop culture, movies and porn.
I mentioned my woman friend who produces artistic, erotic films that are winning awards at feminist film festivals and beyond. In her hot films, women often set the pace and tone of the sensual encounter, and guide the man’s movement subtly and seamlessly. Her men look into the woman’s eyes, support her taking the lead, receive graciously, and give her space ‘to be’ her without taking over.
The sauna was getting too hot for all of us. But we didn’t want to leave–a group of four strangers totally engulfed in the magic of genuine, from-the-heart conversation on meaningful topics.
I reflected how going into the sauna that evening I was feeling sorry for myself. I felt lonely and apart, lamenting the cold, dark winter, and thinking how I’d not had sex for a long time. Then I remembered the original definition of ‘intercourse’–verbal exchange. Gee, I felt I just had intercourse with another women and two men in the YMCA sauna! I bet, had I asked, my partners would agree we had experienced as strangers more intimacy, truth, and transparency in that public place with our clothes on than most couples will experience that night in bed.
I left to go shower feeling full, satiated…just having had the best intercourse of my day–my week, and longer! Our simple gift to each other was full attention, respect and truth telling without trying to convince anyone our way was better. It felt so natural and nourishing to be with people this way. We are such social beings. Communities are created and disperse in a continuous and unexpected flow. Although the coming-together of community may be brief, its effects can stay with you forever.
Thank you, Jennifer Lyon Bell, for your sexy films available at www.blueartichokefilms.com
A Sacred Intimate is a teacher who uses touch, including erotic touch, to teach you how to feel more comfort, connection and pleasure in your body. S/he guides you back to a state of recognizing, experiencing and enjoying your body sensations. We have been told to disregard and distrust the information percolating up from the gut, genitals, heart, and skin. Instead, we are told to trust only our head or intellect.
This is an unbalanced and dangerous way to live, as the mind is quick to play many tricks. If we are separated from our body wisdom that comes from the neck down, we feel hurried, confused and unable to enjoy pleasure. We have moved from our natural evolution of living (slowly) in the body to a hyper-fast life of living from the neck up. A Sacred inmate is trained to reintegrate our body-mind-spirit as we were designed to live by nature.
A Sacred Intimate is trained to help a client re-sense his/her body information that is constantly available at every moment. By getting a student to listen to the simple and profound messages coming from the body, s/he can make decisions–whether in bed sexually, or out of bed in life–that are authentic, safe, empowering and pleasurable.
When it comes to sexuality, most of us do not understand how to create a container of safety. As a Sacred Intimate, I use different body-based techniques such as conscious breath, intention, touch, choice, and permission to teach safe and passionate play. Always coming back to what you ‘notice’ or ‘observe’ in your body, a client develops a sense of ‘being present’ in the moment, instead of being anxious about the future or depressed about the past.
Sensing and being able to verbalize what is going on in one’s own body is monumental for most people and expands one’s potential to be sexually at ease and feel pleasure. Good sex is simply learning to feel more sensation in the body and interacting with others in a way that feels clear and full of choice.
With a Sacred Intimate you experience sacred embodiment. You learn to trust your yes and no and reserve the right to change your mind. You express your desires without shame and share authentically who you are in each moment. Sacred Embodiment means you feel safe in your own body. You enter delicious realms of deep surrender and ecstasy because touch is based on consent and permission.
When we are sacredly embodied we can truly celebrate our commonality and communion with others and all life. We feel an elated sense of well-being, a timeless and treasured joy to be alive. Our hearts open. We become refreshed and enlightened.
Here’s a Sacred Intimates blog I contribute to along with several other teachers.
March 10, Thursday, 8 pm (go early for a seat), Art Authority
Charla will perform at the Bedpost Confessions, a sexy new venue put on by women for erotic storytelling that’s darn right bawdy and ballsy!
Austin’s sassy and savvy women take center stage and pour out their deepest longings, hottest fantasies and most devilish deeds…often to a standing-room-only crowd that’s thrilled with such Feminine Bravado, or is it Bravada!
Charla will unburden her heart by sharing her true story of how a shy, skinny girl from the Midwest became a Big Texas City sex worker. Goodbye to the corn fields and innocence, and hello to a Smooth Sultry Slide to the South!
Come on down to the Bedpost at Art Authority and hear Charla’s Confessions and more. Join the dazzled crowd that pulses to the beat of Austin’s new eclectic outlet for communal sexy storytelling, laughs and longings–oh, Walt Whitman, I, too, sing of the Body Electric!
How do you want to grow your sexuality in the coming year? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Do you want a better sex life? Make a resolution!
Last year I resolved to play more and attract playful partners. What a difference that resolution has made in my life! I challenge you to make a sexual resolution for the coming year.
Here’s what I did:
1) First, I resolved to turn off the computer by 6 pm every day and leave it off on Sundays. I was forcing myself to find other things to do…changing old habits!
2) I started…flirting! (And women love it when men flirt too!) I love the feeling that any where, any time, I could turn myself on with a flirt–over and over. I flirted in emails, called old friends, and invited men to do things with me. The more I flirted the easier and funner it became.
3) I joined a dating site and practiced being authentic–instead acting interested in someone. I started interrupting as a way to be more authentic. The moment I got bored or antsy in a conversation, I interrupted him or her instead of letting them go on–and me check out. I vowed to stay totally present. Yep, I stopped faking conversation just like I stopped faking orgasms–some thirty years ago. Wow, try it!
4) I bought a small cloth-bound book to record wonderful things people said to me. I keep my ‘appreciation book’ handy on the piano, and refer to it when I’m feeling down. It works wonders! We have great sex when we feel good about ourselves. This could be your New Year’s sexy resolution.
Dear friends, let me share with you from my appreciation book: “You’re a blonde bulldog for love. You got your Marilyn on! I was in crises over turning thirty, now I want to be sixty just like you. You spread fairy dust–I feel your presence after you leave.” Humm, Happy Resolution Making!