BodyJoy

How do you want to grow your sexuality in the coming year?  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Do you want a better sex life?  Make a resolution!

Last year I resolved to play more and attract playful partners.  What a difference that resolution has made in my life! I challenge you to make a sexual resolution for  the coming year.

Here’s what I did:

1) First, I resolved to turn off the computer by 6 pm every day and leave it off on Sundays. I was forcing myself to find other things to do…changing old habits!

2) I started…flirting! (And women love it when men flirt too!) I love the feeling that any where, any time, I could turn myself on with a flirt–over and over.  I flirted in emails, called old friends, and invited men to do things with me. The more I flirted the easier and funner it became.

3) I joined a dating site and practiced being authentic–instead acting interested in someone. I started interrupting as a way to be more authentic.  The moment I got bored or antsy in a conversation, I interrupted him or her  instead of letting them go on–and me check out.  I vowed to stay totally present.  Yep, I stopped faking conversation just like I stopped faking orgasms–some thirty years ago. Wow, try it!

4)  I bought a small cloth-bound book to record wonderful things people said to me. I keep my ‘appreciation book’ handy on the piano, and refer to it when I’m feeling down. It works wonders!  We have great sex when we feel good about ourselves. This could be your New Year’s sexy resolution.

Dear friends, let me share with you from my appreciation book: “You’re a blonde bulldog for love.  You got your Marilyn on!  I was in crises over turning thirty, now I want to be sixty just like you.  You spread fairy dust–I feel your presence after you leave.”    Humm, Happy Resolution Making!

June 3-5, Friday 7-10 pm,  Sat & Sun 9-6 pm,  Austin

Download the flyer for the Love and Intimacy Couples Retreat.

$360/person by April 1, $400 after

Are you ready to experience a miracle in your relationship? Join with others who are taking love, intimacy and sensuality to the next level. If you desire to move past the barriers that keep you apart, fearful and in judgment…you are ready!

● Examine your beliefs about love, sex and intimacy and discover your limitations
● Explore being your authentic self and discover just how attractive and sexy your truth is!
● Engage with others while staying connected to yourself.
● Enjoy playful and powerful exercises in which you express your joy, depth and vulnerability.
● Experience what comes up in each moment with calm and curiosity.

Charla and Nicole talk about relationships. .

For more information please call 512) 796-7269.

Love, Sex & Spirit, June 2010 weekend retreat with Charla Hathaway and Nicole Verwey.

What will I learn? You will deepen your love for yourself and others. You will take home new skills to cultivate more honesty, joy, and intimacy (in-to-me-see) with your self and others.

Who will be there? Meet others who, like you, choose to explore life and sensuality in safe, conscious, and spontaneous ways.

Why Now? You are it! You are the creator of your own life experiences.  Life is happening NOW. Why not have the life you absolutely love and adore?

Love and Intimacy Retreaters from last June’s retreat said:

• “It was the best weekend of my life; I feel a natural innocence and playfulness return to my sensuality.”

• “I let down my barriers and let other people into a place that took 15 years of marriage for my wife to enter.”

• “I fell in love with my partner in new ways.”

• “My body’s changed. Since the workshop my acupuncturists said my heart rate went from 80 to 65. I’m a new person.”

• “After the retreat when I had knee surgery and I fell in love with everyone in rehab.”

• “It was amazing to experience trust, support and love build up so quickly in this environment.”

Meet your Facilitators:

Nicole Verwey, Licensed Psychotherapist, Certified Professional Life Coach and Relationship Expert, teaches people through play and coaching
“How to Win the Love Game” and “Mindful Eating”.  (512) 670-3955 www.whatyousaycounts.com

Charla Hathaway, CSB, ACS, intimacy coach and author has helped thousands enjoy juicier relationships by showing them new ways to touch, talk and play. She’s the best-selling author of Erotic Massage, and 8 Erotic Nights: Great Sex for a Lifetime. Charla will be featured in a Discovery Channel documentary.  (512) 626-5037, www.BodyJoy.org

I quickly shed my clothes on the sun-baked rocks and slid bare-bodied under a mini water fall at Sculptured Falls along the Barton Springs Greenbelt.  Hiking with new friends from Austin’s Hill Country Nudist Club (www.hillcountrynudists.com) gave me the courage to swim the way I wanted to.

It was my first time to take off my clothes “in public” (no other bathers at the swimming hole were nude).  I peeled off layers of the rank and file, right and wrong world, and emerged vulnerable and fresh to enjoy myself unadorned. It felt divine to dive naked into the emerald pool and breast-stroke through spring-fed waters without resistance. I felt a childish glee to experience the oneness of my body and the water.

My buddies and I talked while sunning and sitting bare-bottomed in a shallow pool a clear water.  It felt natural to converse this way, unencumbered.  Talk flowed and there was a real sense of leaving the unnecessary behind and being present to life in the moment…with strangers even.

Casually we noticed other families, kids, couples and dogs relaxing together in the early summer day.  I wondered what these ‘textiles’ or ‘threads,’ as someone from our naked group called the clothed people, thought of us ‘au naturals.’  No one seemed to care much except a young couple who kept gravitating towards us.  I was imagining them imagining how good it would feel to take your clothes off.

I realized our small community of unadorned recreationists were setting an example, a beacon for not forgetting how it can be.  We were living testimony to body-friendly, body-loving, and body-enjoying living.  We exemplified  how nudity doesn’t mean sex is around the corner.  We reclaimed our natural state for us and the joy of experiencing our own skin.

We ‘naturalists’  agreed we could not have done this individually–a single naked man or woman would be viewed differently on the river bank.  We needed the company of others for our adventure to work.  I reflected how true that is for many things–couples, relationships, families, children, sex, etc, all need community to support and nurture growth.

I’m awed by learning and teaching positive sexuality in groups (classes, retreats, pujas) and see how I’ve moved more and more from private coaching (which I love also) into building trust-based communities where we can be heard, seen, touched and appreciated by many.  The group holds us to the fire of authenticity, truth, presence and transparency where behind closed doors we often try to fake it or don’t even try at all.  Community is the highest standard; we discover our humanity, our connectedness, our normalness, and share our fear, love and pleasure.

On my first morning sailing to Hawaii on a clothing-optional cruise, I couldn’t decide what to wear. It was a cloudy, breezy day on the Pacific and too cold for me to be naked. I worried, “Would wearing a bathrobe or sarong to breakfast make me stick out?” Being my first nude cruise, I wanted to blend in. That morning I learned an important rule from my fellow nude recreationists, be comfortable and be yourself. At breakfast I found all states of dress and undress. More importantly, over the next two weeks on-board I found it easy to be myself, dressed or not–and the sun did come out!

I was invited on this 20th anniversary Bare Necessity cruise by Tom and Nancy, the founders, who wanted to offer their 2,000 plus passengers quality learning experiences during the eight days at sea going and returning to Hawaii. I could hardly believe myself–an invitation to teach sacred, sensual embodiment to naked people while sailing to Paradise! I figured my frank, positive talks on sex would fall on good ears (or buns!) on this trip.

My first lecture was on sex and aging, and I was having trouble picturing myself naked on stage with a microphone in my hand. From the podium I watched the sea of mostly naked bodies, a couple hundred or more, file into the ship’s auditorium. Everyone carried a towel to put between their butt and the seat cushion following the universal nudist etiquette, or UNdress Code. I smiled. Aren’t you supposed to imagine your audience naked before you speak in order to put yourself at ease? Wearing a silk Indian sarong my mother gave just before my cruise, I succumbed to my uncontrollable urge to ‘flash’ my audience. Now how many speakers can brag about doing that?! Laughing, someone from the audience piped up, “How many of us can say we’ve ever been flashed by a speaker?!” The ice was broken!

During the talk I asked these seasoned nude cruisers for their insights for my next book, Sexy Aging: Stories of How Loving Gets Better. Being sixty, savvy and feeling sexy, I shared how my journey to more pleasure and intimacy has increased with age. I posed them questions, “What do you enjoy about your loving now that you didn’t experience when you were younger?” “How has sex changed as you’ve aged?” “What advice might you give a young person today about enjoying sex as they age?” I felt like Oprah running around with a microphone following their lively responses, except my guests stood up stark naked. We relished how aging allows us to slow up, express more, and go deeper. “Now I have time to enjoy my erections!” “Now I feel my orgasm, not just in my genitals, but throughout my entire body and into my partner.” “My wife loosing a kidney has made our loving more precious than ever.”

Later I lead a large group in a tantra puja called Playful Touch in Paradise.  We gifted each other with imaginary pearls, whispered appreciations in each other’s ears, danced like dolphins, invited Sirens out to play, and graced each another with safe, heartfelt, sensual but non-sexual touch. Group play is magical. Each of us, supported by safe and conscious community, embraces our humanity and freedom.

As a single person among mainly couples, I was warmed by the abundance of camaraderie and inclusion. Strangers welcomed me to their dinner tables, and I met new folks easily at the pools, sauna and hot tubs. It seemed these people had shed more than their clothes for the journey–they’d left behind position, rank, defenses, and ego that keeps us separated and apart. From the onset, I experienced a communal warmth that invited open-hearted conversation and camaraderie, often about meaningful and intimate subjects. Your body size, shape or age didn’t seem to matter. Several women had only one breast, other passengers where in wheel chairs or on oxygen.

On this cruise I discovered unadorned pleasure. We came together to enjoy rather than to judge, to share rather than to perform, to show up rather than to show off. I snorkeled naked with the fish, played bare-bodied on the beach, did naked yoga on sea sprayed rocks, and nestled my bare body in moss covered rocks under trickling fresh water. In my life drawing class on the boat we drew the nude, nude. Go figure! In dance class we let it all hang out doing the salsa and meringue. Have you ever listened to a string quartet…naked? Many times I heard, ‘”Once you’ve experience a nude cruise, you’ll never go on a textile cruise again.”

When I was a girl I remember how good the grass felt between my toes on a summer day, cool and inviting. On this vacation I discovered how good it feels to go barefoot all over my body in the joyful company of other caring and respectful adults.

I just saw a play on Broadway about the first electric vibrators doctors used to relieve women of ‘hysteria’ (built up pressure in the womb) in the late 1800‘s.  Now the Victorian doctors could do in minutes what used to take an hour–or eternity for many clueless husbands of the era.

Interestingly, the play included a rare instance of a man with ‘hysteria’ in which the doctor invented a new vibrator for the anus which stimulated his prostate–yep, right there on Broadway.  I mused, “Is touching and pleasuring the anus a new sexual frontier we can explore on and off stage now?” Is anal eroticism what oral was to sex a couple of decades ago?”

As a certified Sexological Bodyworker I’ve trained in safe, hygienic and erotic stimulation of the anus and learned its importance to our health and pleasure. To most of us, the anus was our first shaming and we, unaware, have built an invisible electric fence around it ever since. Can we undo the damage and begin to include this sensory-rich ‘rosebud’ in our intimate pleasuring?

At the Institute for the Advanced Studies of Human Sexuality, Dr. Jack Morin, author of the ‘bible’ on the subject, Anal Pleasure and Health, spoke to my class of erotic bodyworkers on how de-shaming the body’s ‘last frontier’ encourages us to accept and love ourselves more wholly–or more ‘holy’ if I may add a sacred element to deep embodiment.  He suggested taking a soapy finger while you’re in the shower and getting to know what’s been ‘behind’ you all along, “Hi there asshole, how you doing?  A little tight today?–let me take care of that.”  Erotic bodyworkers know if you can relax the rosebud, the rest of the body follows.

I’ve found a great technique in my work as a sex educator to bring new awareness and appreciation to our innocent posterior.  I often ask my clients if I may ‘interview’ their asshole. That’s right, I invite the person (say a man) to speak as if he is his anus speaking–giving voice to this silent part of his body.  I may ask for example, “How does it feel, Mr. A, when your Master (or the name of the person) ignores you, never touches you, or doesn’t recognize your unique gifts for His expanded and prolonged eroticism?”  “How do you feel when your neighbor, Mr. Penis, gets all the attention?” “Does your Master ever call anyone an ‘asshole’?  How does that make you feel?”

I’ve discovered people’s assholes are very articulate, surprisingly humorous, definitely persevering, and love to have their say. I like to ask my interviewee, “Mr. A, what could your Master do to show you more appreciation? Would you like him to check in with you from time to time?  And how would he do that?” I like to find out if Mr. A has ever been approached in a way that didn’t feel comfortable or without his permission.  Empowering a person with choice when it comes to anal touch can heal past abuse.

I like to close the anal interview with a question like, “Mr. A, since you’ve been so wise and so silent for so long, what closing words of wisdom would you like to leave with your Master now that he’s listening?” I hear the most profound sentiments rise up from the deep bowls of the body, “I’d like Him to lighten up, have more fun, not waste life only working…touch me, share me with a partner, learn to be multi-orgasmic with me…or even, show me off!”

Most folks who include anal touch in their erotic play do not have anal sex, or penetration with the penis.  Most simply enjoy stimulating the external rim or penetrating this nerve-rich area with a well-lubricated finger or sex toy designed for the anus (with a flared bottom to keep it from going inside).  More and more people are finding the anus is just another feel good part of the body we can enjoy (with a little knowledge and communication) instead of fear, or keep off limits.

Yes, anal gets us to the bottom of things.  We don’t have to reach far for sound advise–we’re sitting on it.  Each of us, man or woman, sits on a goldmine of pleasure and wisdom. We don’t even have to be hysterical to enjoy it!

When I teach my erotic massage classes, a room full of fidgety ‘strangers’ magically transforms into a gathering of relaxed, curious and appreciative friends.  Amazingly, in just a few hours we take a sacred journey, beyond silence and shame, that most people–and couples–never take in a lifetime.

At last week’s class I demonstrated on a lovely woman model how to set the stage for a woman’s surrender into pleasure, spirit, and healing.  The sixteen students learned and some practiced whole body massage stokes, how to ‘language’ permission, give a g-spot massage, and enjoy the lost art of going nowhere slowly.

With upmost respect, the class of men and women, ranging from 27 to 77years, created a space that felt like a cathedral for the carnal and the sacred. We shared camaraderie, personal stories, tips, and laughter.  The room felt like a temple with us breathing together.  Our sacrament was honoring the human body; our prayer was to touch like an angel.

In addition to my instruction, many women suggested ways they like their breasts and genitals touched such as, “I like more of this and less of that.” Or, “I didn’t know the outer lips could be massaged like that.” The men graciously drank in the experience and offered their heartfelt appreciation, “I never realized how important it is to create safety by asking for permission before touching, or even how to ask.”

All of us (not just me!) became teachers, for and with each other. It felt like a new era had dawned, exchanging positive (and accurate!) sex information between folks who practice it!  What if we could do that as easily as exchanging recipes or exercise routines?

My students wanted to know, “How do you touch a woman so she relaxes, opens like a flower, and surrenders her internal cathedral of carnal and spiritual delights?”   We all became sensual virtuosos exploring the Body Electric. Look what the initial, tentative ‘strangers’ risked by coming to class, look what they walked away with.

In our closing circle, we looked again into each other’s eyes.  We had changed. We were no longer strangers, rather we saw each other as another face of the Divine, each deserving of pleasure, safety and reverence.  We had witnessed the divine Masculine and Feminine at play, searching for wholeness and believing in ourselves.

Who would have imagined a shy girl from the midwest sponsoring a workshop on  female g-spot ejaculation?  Growing up in the 60‘s I was just discovering that women could have orgasms (forget what kind). The first time I ever heard the word clitoris I was in college (at which time I checked out ‘down there’ with a mirror just to make sure).  And now we’re not only supposed to be responsible for our own orgasms, we’re supposed to bring a towel.  What’s a shy girl to do?

Well, sexpert and female g-spot orgasm specialist, Deborah Sundahl, came to Austin and talked with us and showed a video clip on how women can expand their orgasmic potential.  She followed the fascinating co-ed lecture/discussion with an all women’s workshop.  Deborah, founder of On Our Backs, a women’s erotica magazine, author of Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot, and an award-winning DVD producer, gave us accurate information and tangible images on what could happen ‘down there’ if we are willing to let go deeper and trust our bodies.

Anatomically women have a prostate gland, though more diffused than a man’s, and create a prostatic-like fluid. Given the right stimulation to her g-spot, the spongy, wrinkled area just inside the vagina on the top side, every woman can ejaculate.  A scentless, clear fluid builds during arousal in her prostate which surrounds the urethra, the ‘nectar’ then drips into dozens of tiny ducts into the urethra.

In my experience I’ve found that g-spot orgasms differ from clitoral orgasms which feel to me more hard hitting, intense, and quick–how I imagine a man’s orgasm to be.  When I’ve experienced g-spot orgasms (or combinations) they feel almost elusive, diffused, and my whole body undulates in waves a subtle pleasure that come and go over time.  Call this spiritual?  I seem to be deeply aware of life, freedom, death and beauty–all at once, of course!  I become immersed in the awe of life.

How does a woman achieve such bliss? Deborah’s offering a new telelclass series you can enjoy in your own home, check out www.isismedia.org   Instead of pulling in and tightening the pelvic floor muscles (with high pitched squeals), try pushing out during orgasm using your strong Kegel muscles, moaning deeply, and invoking the Earth Mother, ha!…a watery squirt or diffused seepage may result–with or without orgasm.

The biggest hinderance to women expanding their orgasmic potential is shutting down and stopping the ‘flow’ so to speak. Since the ejaculatory response feels similar to the urge to pee many women stop there and it’s easy to see why.  A women may feel shame for having ‘wet the bed’ at some point and vowed never to do it again.  It takes a lot of trust in herself and a partner to fully invite a deeper surrender and vulnerability.   Supported and encouraged by a right lover, a woman’s waters can be coaxed ‘to pool’ in a slow dance of seduction, support, and connection.

And men, we have nothing up on you.  You have as much potential for expanded orgasm as women do.  Your prostate is your g-spot and stimulation of it is your ticket to repeating, deeply moving and spiritual pulses of pleasure.  Having full body, multiple g-spot orgasms are well worth getting over any homophobic idea that anal eroticism is saved for a blessed few.

Thank you, Deborah Sundahl, for sharing with us accurate, positive information about our bodies. Women, let’s take the egg timer off our orgasms, stop being so tidy, and stop being so SHY.  Let’s explore our bodies, trust our rhythm, and enjoy our juices.

I just spent time watching our closest ape relatives, the Bonobos, at the San Diego Zoo. Just a couple of feet from me behind the glass, an adolescent Bonobo sat with his legs spread open, scooping warm sand and pouring it over his erect penis–then he’d stand up, shake off, sit back down and do it again.  The human children watching next to me were jumping up and down, laughing and asking Mama to look.

After an hour of observing delightful Bonobo shenanigans, I witnessed at least a dozen episodes of casual sexual touch.  I saw simulated intercourse several times (lasting only a few brief moments).  Sometimes after a doggie style go-at-it (was it real, I wasn’t sure?) the two participants would completely reverse positions of humper and humpee–and within seconds go-at-it again.  I thought, how many of us would like to try that?!

I saw one ape reached out and stroke the genitals of another as s/he (?) passed by.  Neither seemed to make a big deal of it, or even notice.  Mostly I noticed the family pod (about fourteen) simply spend their time grooming each other, looking around, watching others play, cuddling, and napping with their bodies intertwined.  Not only in the zoo, but in the wild African rain forest (Demo. Rep. of Congo), these foragers spend only a couple hours ‘working’ and the rest is leisure. Gee, when did we get too busy for this kind of life?

These good-natured critters and are rarely observed in conflict.  Bonobos sometimes copulate face to face, even though it last only about fifteen seconds. Scientists have recently determined that these apes, smaller and darker than chimpanzees, are their own species. They are biologically more related to us than chimps–actually we’re more like Bonobos than any other thing on this planet! So the mellow ‘chimp’ on the Johnny Carson Show was really a Bonobo!  Unlike chimps, Bonobos would rather make love than war, and when needed, they simply offer themselves in a submissive sexual position. Sex seems to be the social glue for their peaceful existence.

The San Diego Zoo is one of only eight zoos in our country that have these critically endangered primates. They have two pods so each pod gets some private time and are on ‘display’ only every other day. The zoo keeper saw my fascination and informed me I’m not the only one.  Middle school teachers bring their students to study the behavior of our endearing relatives. What a great lesson for adolescents in sexuality ‘outside the box!’  I was encouraged that we can still observe our natural pan-sensuality antics before we imposed layers of protocol, judgment and shame.

So, do I want to host a Bonobo Party when I return to Austin?  As a sex educator and coach I still believe in getting permission, and that means a clear ‘yes’ before any touching (or hug even).  I believe one earns the privilege of touching another’s body.  Consensual Touch builds trust so you can go deeper.  I don’t want  someone grabbing my genitals as I pass by.  When it comes to my body, I don’t want surprises–I want agreement.

I would like to give a party in the Spirit of the Bonobos–our closest cousins–with their playful touching, grooming, voyeurism, and sexing. We humans are the sexiest of all species (read Sex at Dawn, by Ryan and Jetha), and we are designed for ecstasy (and peace)!  We humans get the best of all worlds; we get to express our desires…and fantasies!  We get to choose our boundaries…and change our minds!  We get to negotiate when it comes to sex…and fine tune the touch we receive! We get to create erotic partnerships and communities that feel safe and consensual.  We’re the Naked Bonobos and more!