Sex and Tango: Notes from a Sex Coach and Tango Dancer

A newcomer to Tango dancing, I’m inspired to share the many parallels I see between this intimate, elegant dance and what I teach as a sex coach about intimate, elegant sex.  


In the sensual dance of Tango, the man becomes the container for the dance, the woman, the movement.  The man forms the mold, the woman moves the energy and light.  He is the Presence; She is the Dance.  He makes a subtle suggestion, a proposal for action, she interprets his cue, and moves her body.  In short, the man makes a suggestion, the woman does her thing, he makes it right and offers another suggestion–over and over.


In Sex as in Tango, the man is the container, the mold, the underlying Presence.  The woman is the energy, the light and movement.  He leads with a suggestion, she interprets his cue and moves her body, her breath, dancing her dance, expressing her desires.  His Presence, deep and spiritual, is the safe springboard for her delight, play, and sexual energy…that feels so good to them both.


In Sex, if a man is too busy trying, doing, moving, or even penetrating, he cannot hold the strong container for her ecstasy. A man must know how to be still, just as there is no music without playing the rests.  A good Lover (and Tango dancer) is a man who can hold space for a woman to do her thing.  And a good Lover (and Tango dancer) is a woman who can take this space, own it, dance it, and move through it with joy and abandon.  A man has to be so connected to his core, inner strength, and comfortable with ‘not doing’ so that his mere suggestion (not a heavy hand) sets the Universe in motion.


Magically, a man’s deep Presence opens space for a woman to find her pleasure, her dance, capture the light, and ride into ecstasy…carrying them both beyond the music, beyond the bedroom, beyond the dance floor, beyond the light, and into a seamless Sea of Pleasure and Treasured Connection that we all love, long for, and long to be lost in.


Interestingly, in Tango, except for learning purposes, one partner is perpetually the ‘lead’ (suggesting movements), and other the ‘follower’ (interpreting cues). The beauty of good sex is, although the man and women naturally (and culturally) play certain roles, we get to switch.  And changing off the lead can be fun, playful, inventive, and enlightening.  In sex we can choose to negotiate roles, reverse them, change our mind, all which makes things very interesting.  Sex is a great place to discover our innate male and female, our natural desire to both lead and follow.  This expansiveness in sexuality, a uniquely human invention of consciousness, lets us play in both roles–accessing our larger self, greater awareness, pleasure, and expanded spiritual soul.


So I love expressing my feminine on the dance floor, dressing sexy in high heels, and love the men who hold space for my dance.  And I love ‘tangoing’ in the bedroom knowing deeply the complimentary essence of power and surrender, their unique qualities and challenges, and choosing and weaving between them in every moment.


My favorite Austin Tango teachers are Monica & Gustavo at esquinatangoaustin.com and Daniela





Pornography Pros & Cons and How to Watch it

As a sex and Intimacy coach I decided since porn is a big part of today’s sex scene, I’d better know more about it, so I spent a good couple months watching…lots.  Very interesting experiment, I didn’t even need a vibrator. Instead of trying to answer whether pornography is good or bad, I decided you need to know 1) what porn will and will not do for you  2) how to find the good stuff  3) and how to watch it.  Porn can kickstart a hot sexual encounter, or get in your way of having good sexual relationships. Watching porn is a little like using a credit card—it’s a great tool when you use it right, but it’s easy to be seduced into bad habits and get into trouble. You choose.  Here’s five pitfalls of porn use—followed by five ways it can help you. 

Don’t expect Porn to—

1) Help you like your body—unless you’re twenty, a cute Barbie doll, or Ken with a ten inch cock, and have $$$ for multiple cosmetic and body surgeries.

2) Make you feel good about your orgasms—Unless your orgasms are always big, wet, pounding, quick, loud, consistent, and OFTEN–like EVERY TIME!  What’s wrong with you anyway?

3)  Make you closer to your partner—unless maybe you’re watching it together.

4)  Give you a realistic picture of sex, love and intimacy—but most movies don’t do that either.  So how do we learn mature, empowered, and spiritual sexuality?  Come and see me, or other teachers, read books, go to workshops and put some time and effort into this discipline—Study Pleasure!

5)  Be about Whole Body pleasure—Porn is ‘penis-vagina-wiggle-wiggle pop’ action.  Yep, the real-estate is a few square  inches between the legs. Forget about the rest of the body, it’s not important. Hey, Dudes, take note, WOMEN LOVE WHOLE BODY TOUCH (which also helps prevent premature ejaculation.)  Three cheers for Whole Body Sensuality, and Boo Boo wiggle-wiggle-pop.


Expect that Porn may help—

1)  Get you off…and off, and OFF, and….yes, if you find the right porn for you, it’s HOT.  Warning: getting off too often could start to feel troublesome or compulsive.

2)  Spice things up…with new ideas, laughter, positions, games, and conversations about sex.

3)  Make you feel NORMAL.  It’s NORMAL to be interested in sex, to love sex, to be an exhibitionist, to be a voyeur, to fantasize, to want to try new things—this is GOOD. 

4)  Give you company—with people right there in your own home (hotel, theater, etc.) being sexual, breathing heavy, moaning with pleasure, all glassy eyed (even if on screen.)

5)  Make you compulsive—You crave it, over and over, but it never seems to fill the hole (pun intended).  I know I stuck a negative in my positive list, but it needs another mention.  Shame on me, get out the flogger.

I suggest if you’re a couple, watch porn together, and experiment with the difference kinds of porn with a good guide book like The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos by Violet Blue. Educate yourself, sample different genres—gay male, Lesbian, woman directed, features (with a story line, some set in Victorian times with candlelight and elaborate corsets), Gonzo (no plot), S/M, classics, and educational (yes!).

Find what you like.  While watching, keep your remote control handy—remember you’re in charge, don’t watch what doesn’t work for you. Find what you like (if anything) and use it.  Use it wisely as you use your credit card (hopefully), no reason to go into debt, pay late fees or become addicted to borrowing–if you’re smart.

A few of my porn favorites are, Velvet Tension (no intercourse in the whole movie!), Tipping the Velvet (great Lesbian), Matinee (real people, real sex from Blue Artichoke Films), Portrait of a Dominatrix by Ernst Green, feminine porn from director Candice Royal or other award-winning female directors, educational porn such as ‘how to’ videos, like how to give a good blow job by porn star (and nurse) Nina Hartley, and Talk to me Baby—A Lover’s Guide to Dirty Talk and Role Play. Lots to learn and enjoy.

And remember, if you don’t like the porn that’s out there, be proactive and MAKE YOUR OWN.  Let’s be the change we want to see happen!

Play the 3 Min Game

  How to Get and Give the Touch you Want

with sexual empowerment coach Charla Hathaway

Workshop for couples and singles, Central Austin, $55/person/or bring a friend $50/each

Next Date:  TBA

How Many?


The 3 Minute Game provides structure for you to tune into your body, your desires, ask for what you want, and respond to other’s requests. Playing is easy–you gain confidence and new ways to get more touch in life.  You feel safe, your body relaxes, and you experience more pleasure.

Often we say ‘no’ to intimate touch because we are afraid things won’t go our way–or spin out of control–so we  stop before we start…and end up feeling lonely and touch-starved. In this workshop you learn one-way touch (with permission) that translates into choice, trust and safety.  You’ll learn if the touch is ‘for you” or “for me” and why that is important.

Players of the game often remark, “time stopped, I could feel more, I didn’t have to worry about guessing or getting it right, everything slowed down.” In this context, you may be surprised how comfortable it is to give and receive touch in a group setting. In just a few rounds of the game, your performance anxiety and fear melt away and your natural curiosity and self-expression emerge.

You will both give and get just what you want…nothing more or less. Playing the game takes your intimacy skills to the next level and opens new doors. Workshop activities are sensual, not sexual, and clothes remain on. Couples may practice with each other, and singles are welcome.

Charla Hathaway, certified sex educator, sexological bodyworker and intimacy coach, is author of 8 Erotic Nights: Passionate Encounters that Inspire Great Sex for a Lifetime, and Erotic Massage: Sensual Touch for Deep Pleasure and Extended Arousal (available in nine languages). Charla, founder of Austin’s BodyJoy Intimacy School, has helped thousands find new ways to touch, talk and play that feel safe, sensual and satisfying. Sign up for her monthly newsletter.

Symphony of Touch Tantra Puja

Feb 23, Sat 7-9 pm, for participants in A Concrete Utopia workshop w/ Kelly Bryson

Enjoy an evening of adult play with intimacy coach, Charla Hathaway, as she leads you in simple, joyful encounters that feel safe and inviting. Her guided activities are sensual, not sexual, and inspire your natural attention, curiosity, and spontaneity to play with others.  Invite your inner child to come out, open your senses, nourish your soul, and connect with others in heartfelt ways.

Pujas come from a timeless tradition where celebrants are encouraged to see past the personal and into the Divine. Sensual encounters spark your innate ability to enjoy the moment, experience your body as sacred, and be true to yourself while interacting with others.

Charla weaves a sacred place where you practice staying present with yourself while interacting with others.  You learn to stay true to whatever feelings come up. Connect with others in new ways supported by a nurturing setting.  Wear loose and comfortable clothing that express your love for life and sensuality. This ritual space will open mind and soften your heart.

Charla Hathaway, CBS, ACS, certified Tantra educator, intimacy coach, and best-selling author of 8 Erotic Nights and Erotic Massage, helps people learn new ways to touch, talk and play that feel safe and nurturing. Sign up for her free monthly BodyJoy intimacy tips, erotic news and classes at www.bodyjoy.org

Shades of Love

April 7, Sunday 6-8 pm, Forbidden Fruit

Negotiating Power Exchanges with erotic educator Charla Hathaway from BodyJoy.org

Fine tune your capacity to add new excitement, depth, and creativity to your sensual encounters. Discover how to introduce new sensation play and pleasure in a relaxed, safe, yet exciting setting. Relish a fuller expression of your sexuality as you experience your innate ability to flow between power and surrender realms. Learn to give your lover deep erotic trance states and heightened awareness. Learn how role playing and negotiating power exchanges can dynamically charge your loving forever! To register go to Forbidden Fruit

Pleasure Postures

Nov 11, Sunday 6-8 pm, Forbidden Fruit

Orchestrate your lovemaking by moving from position 1, 2, and 3–to maybe 4, and build the excitement by hitting the different hot spots and rhythmically moving your bodies to new tempos.  Maestro Charla will show you how to take the ‘practice of pleasure’ to new heights by seamlessly moving from position to position for a symphony of pleasure!  To register go to Forbidden Fruit

Charla Performs at BedPost Confessions

March 10, Thursday, 8 pm (go early for a seat), Art Authority

Charla will perform at the Bedpost Confessions, a sexy new venue put on by women for erotic storytelling that’s darn right bawdy and ballsy!

Austin’s sassy and savvy women take center stage and pour out their deepest longings, hottest fantasies and most devilish deeds…often to a standing-room-only crowd that’s thrilled with such Feminine Bravado, or is it Bravada!

Charla will unburden her heart by sharing her true story of how a shy, skinny girl from the Midwest became a Big Texas City sex worker.  Goodbye to the corn fields and innocence, and hello to a Smooth Sultry Slide to the South!

Come on down to the Bedpost at Art Authority and hear Charla’s Confessions and more.  Join the dazzled crowd that pulses to the beat of Austin’s new eclectic outlet for communal sexy storytelling, laughs and longings–oh, Walt Whitman,  I, too, sing of the Body Electric!

Shameless in Austin!

Pamela Madsen is traveling across the country to celebrate her new memoir Shameless: How I Ditched the Diet, Got Naked, Found True Pleasure…and Somehow Got Home in Time to Cook Dinner. This event is part of Pamela’s 24 city tour of the United States. She will share her hilarious, sexy adventures along the path to discovering the power of erotic pleasure to open her heart and transform her life. She’ll go off-book and talk about the liberation that can happen when women unleash their desires.  Charla hathaway of BodyJoy Austin will be introducing Pamela at both events

Shameless Evening in Austin is FREE, Friday 25, 7-9 pm at the Art Authority with Austin’s own Dr. Ruth, Charla Hathaway of BodyJoy.

Shameless Workshop for women! Feb 26, Saturday. 1-5:30 pm, $75 (or bring a friend $50, if you sign up now), central Austin.  Women get your flirt on, find your turn-on, and power your own juice.  Presented by Pamela Madson, with Charla Hathaway and the Shameless Team.

An intimate Evening with Sex Pioneer Annie Sprinkle, 4/14

Thur. April 14, 7-10pm, $40/person, private home in central Austin

limited to the first 30 people who register via paypal charla@bodyjoy.org

Enjoy an intimate and informal meeting with Annie Sprinkle, Ph.D Hear her tell stories of her radical sex evolution from prostitute/porn star to sexologist/artist!  She has devoted the 35 years to researching and exploring sexuality, from the sacred to the profane, documenting and sharing her experiences through explicit films, photography, and sex workshops. For two decades she has toured with her controversial theater shows to enthusiastic audiences around the world.

Annie’s motto is “eroticize” everything, even breast cancer.” The first porn star to earn a Ph.D., Sprinkle is into nature fetishes and an avowed “ecosexual.” She’s shifting the metaphor from “Earth as mother” to “Earth as lover.”  Currently her work is about love, relationships, aging and the place where ecology and sexology intersect, which she calls Sexecology.  Today she is an out “ecosexual.”

7:00 – 8:30 pm:  Annie’s slide show presentation and discussion.
8:30 -10 pm;  Mingling, sip wine and sparkling cider, munch cheese and crackers, network and bask in the afterglow.

Presented by Charla Hathaway, sex coach, author, speaker, www.bodyjoy.org

Annie will also presetn Sat, April 16, 1:30-3:30pm, a slideshow retrospective of her life in burlesque Sat at Forbidden’s Fruit’s Texas Burlesque Festival. Tickets are $15 advance/$20 at door.  Annie will also perform at the Vortex Theatre.

Charla on the Discovery Channel

The Discovery Channel will feature a special airing in January discussing the erotic massage class that I teach.  More details about the day it will air will post shortly.