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Sex and Tango: Notes from a Sex Coach and Tango Dancer

A newcomer to Tango dancing, I’m inspired to share the many parallels I see between this intimate, elegant dance and what I teach as a sex coach about intimate, elegant sex.  


In the sensual dance of Tango, the man becomes the container for the dance, the woman, the movement.  The man forms the mold, the woman moves the energy and light.  He is the Presence; She is the Dance.  He makes a subtle suggestion, a proposal for action, she interprets his cue, and moves her body.  In short, the man makes a suggestion, the woman does her thing, he makes it right and offers another suggestion–over and over.


In Sex as in Tango, the man is the container, the mold, the underlying Presence.  The woman is the energy, the light and movement.  He leads with a suggestion, she interprets his cue and moves her body, her breath, dancing her dance, expressing her desires.  His Presence, deep and spiritual, is the safe springboard for her delight, play, and sexual energy…that feels so good to them both.


In Sex, if a man is too busy trying, doing, moving, or even penetrating, he cannot hold the strong container for her ecstasy. A man must know how to be still, just as there is no music without playing the rests.  A good Lover (and Tango dancer) is a man who can hold space for a woman to do her thing.  And a good Lover (and Tango dancer) is a woman who can take this space, own it, dance it, and move through it with joy and abandon.  A man has to be so connected to his core, inner strength, and comfortable with ‘not doing’ so that his mere suggestion (not a heavy hand) sets the Universe in motion.


Magically, a man’s deep Presence opens space for a woman to find her pleasure, her dance, capture the light, and ride into ecstasy…carrying them both beyond the music, beyond the bedroom, beyond the dance floor, beyond the light, and into a seamless Sea of Pleasure and Treasured Connection that we all love, long for, and long to be lost in.


Interestingly, in Tango, except for learning purposes, one partner is perpetually the ‘lead’ (suggesting movements), and other the ‘follower’ (interpreting cues). The beauty of good sex is, although the man and women naturally (and culturally) play certain roles, we get to switch.  And changing off the lead can be fun, playful, inventive, and enlightening.  In sex we can choose to negotiate roles, reverse them, change our mind, all which makes things very interesting.  Sex is a great place to discover our innate male and female, our natural desire to both lead and follow.  This expansiveness in sexuality, a uniquely human invention of consciousness, lets us play in both roles–accessing our larger self, greater awareness, pleasure, and expanded spiritual soul.


So I love expressing my feminine on the dance floor, dressing sexy in high heels, and love the men who hold space for my dance.  And I love ‘tangoing’ in the bedroom knowing deeply the complimentary essence of power and surrender, their unique qualities and challenges, and choosing and weaving between them in every moment.


My favorite Austin Tango teachers are Monica & Gustavo at and Daniela





Pornography Pros & Cons and How to Watch it

As a sex and Intimacy coach I decided since porn is a big part of today’s sex scene, I’d better know more about it, so I spent a good couple months watching…lots.  Very interesting experiment, I didn’t even need a vibrator. Instead of trying to answer whether pornography is good or bad, I decided you need to know 1) what porn will and will not do for you  2) how to find the good stuff  3) and how to watch it.  Porn can kickstart a hot sexual encounter, or get in your way of having good sexual relationships. Watching porn is a little like using a credit card—it’s a great tool when you use it right, but it’s easy to be seduced into bad habits and get into trouble. You choose.  Here’s five pitfalls of porn use—followed by five ways it can help you. 

Don’t expect Porn to—

1) Help you like your body—unless you’re twenty, a cute Barbie doll, or Ken with a ten inch cock, and have $$$ for multiple cosmetic and body surgeries.

2) Make you feel good about your orgasms—Unless your orgasms are always big, wet, pounding, quick, loud, consistent, and OFTEN–like EVERY TIME!  What’s wrong with you anyway?

3)  Make you closer to your partner—unless maybe you’re watching it together.

4)  Give you a realistic picture of sex, love and intimacy—but most movies don’t do that either.  So how do we learn mature, empowered, and spiritual sexuality?  Come and see me, or other teachers, read books, go to workshops and put some time and effort into this discipline—Study Pleasure!

5)  Be about Whole Body pleasure—Porn is ‘penis-vagina-wiggle-wiggle pop’ action.  Yep, the real-estate is a few square  inches between the legs. Forget about the rest of the body, it’s not important. Hey, Dudes, take note, WOMEN LOVE WHOLE BODY TOUCH (which also helps prevent premature ejaculation.)  Three cheers for Whole Body Sensuality, and Boo Boo wiggle-wiggle-pop.


Expect that Porn may help—

1)  Get you off…and off, and OFF, and….yes, if you find the right porn for you, it’s HOT.  Warning: getting off too often could start to feel troublesome or compulsive.

2)  Spice things up…with new ideas, laughter, positions, games, and conversations about sex.

3)  Make you feel NORMAL.  It’s NORMAL to be interested in sex, to love sex, to be an exhibitionist, to be a voyeur, to fantasize, to want to try new things—this is GOOD. 

4)  Give you company—with people right there in your own home (hotel, theater, etc.) being sexual, breathing heavy, moaning with pleasure, all glassy eyed (even if on screen.)

5)  Make you compulsive—You crave it, over and over, but it never seems to fill the hole (pun intended).  I know I stuck a negative in my positive list, but it needs another mention.  Shame on me, get out the flogger.

I suggest if you’re a couple, watch porn together, and experiment with the difference kinds of porn with a good guide book like The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos by Violet Blue. Educate yourself, sample different genres—gay male, Lesbian, woman directed, features (with a story line, some set in Victorian times with candlelight and elaborate corsets), Gonzo (no plot), S/M, classics, and educational (yes!).

Find what you like.  While watching, keep your remote control handy—remember you’re in charge, don’t watch what doesn’t work for you. Find what you like (if anything) and use it.  Use it wisely as you use your credit card (hopefully), no reason to go into debt, pay late fees or become addicted to borrowing–if you’re smart.

A few of my porn favorites are, Velvet Tension (no intercourse in the whole movie!), Tipping the Velvet (great Lesbian), Matinee (real people, real sex from Blue Artichoke Films), Portrait of a Dominatrix by Ernst Green, feminine porn from director Candice Royal or other award-winning female directors, educational porn such as ‘how to’ videos, like how to give a good blow job by porn star (and nurse) Nina Hartley, and Talk to me Baby—A Lover’s Guide to Dirty Talk and Role Play. Lots to learn and enjoy.

And remember, if you don’t like the porn that’s out there, be proactive and MAKE YOUR OWN.  Let’s be the change we want to see happen!