Sessions: Austin | The Erection Isn’t the Problem

Sessions is a limited run special edition of BodyJoy: After Office Hours — real conversations with real clients, shared with permission.

In this episode, Melissa works with Austin on something many men experience but few talk about: erectile dysfunction rooted in emotional disconnection, performance anxiety, and a nervous system shaped by past relationship wounds. Austin shares his honest journey navigating the dating world after divorce — trying oral and injectable ED medications, watching connections fizzle out, and slowly realizing that what he actually needed wasn’t a pill. It was safety. This episode connects closely to erotic awareness for men and the most common intimacy rupture — both worth reading alongside it.

In This Episode

• Why some men need emotional connection before arousal comes online
• The performance pressure loop that makes ED worse over time
• How one offhand comment from a past partner can live in your nervous system for years
• Why having an honest conversation with a partner early changes everything
• A mindful self-pleasure practice as a starting point for learning your own body

Chapters

• 0:00 — Intro
• 0:25 — Four years of ED after divorce: “Everything was fine, then I got divorced”
• 1:25 — Ruling out the physical: TRT, clean bloodwork, and trying ED medication
• 2:00 — Four years of denial — and finally realizing it’s emotional
• 3:10 — Dating on Hinge and Bumble: the pattern that kept repeating
• 3:47 — How long until intimacy? Tracing Austin’s typical timeline
• 5:19 — The most recent relationship: using injectable medication and being upfront
• 6:30 — When it works without medication — and why it still falls apart
• 7:04 — Why the last relationship ended (and what it gave him anyway)
• 8:21 — The relationship that worked better: choosing to wait six weeks
• 9:45 — Sex beyond penetration — and how the build-up becomes a trap
• 11:15 — Melissa’s demisexual story and why it lands for Austin
• 12:39 — Opening the conversation with partners: before things get physical
• 13:25 — “You feel really disconnected from your cock” — and what changed
• 14:43 — The vulnerability of being a man when your body doesn’t cooperate
• 15:31 — What lives in the nervous system: repatterning past comments
• 16:42 — Taking a break from dating — and learning he’s lovable
• 18:14 — Melissa’s assignment: a mindful self-pleasure practice
• 19:59 — Why Austin stopped self-pleasure — and why that might backfire
• 21:22 — Taking a long time to orgasm: reframing what success looks like
• 23:17 — What Austin’s self-pleasure looks like now — and how to widen it
• 25:51 — Takeaways: “More common than not broken”

Are you resonating with Austin’s story? Book a 30-minute laser conversation session at bodyjoy.org/sessions and use code SESSIONS10 for 10% off.

Transcript

Melissa D (0:01)
Okay, this is my conversation with Austin. Okay, Austin, thanks for being here. Yeah, I know that we kind of checked in back when I was making this original offer, you know, and I’m wondering just in your own words, what are you noticing that you want support around specifically? Absolutely.

Austin (0:25)
For the last four years I’ve been dealing with either a difficult time getting an erection or maintaining an erection even though I’m highly aroused. Yeah. Right. Okay. And so you’ve been dealing with that with the last four years. What, what, when do you notice that? you in a relationship or is it dating? Give me kind of a lay of the land of the last four years. So I first noticed it after or during my like divorce process. And that was kind of like a shock, like, oh wait, everything was fine. And then I get divorced. I do a lot of work on myself, enter the dating scene and I’m like, oh, it doesn’t work, but it worked fine for my marriage. So that, you know, I thought like my health and I checked my health out. was my health is clean bill of health. Right, interesting, right? Yeah.

Melissa D (1:25)
Yes, you eat well, you take care of body. cholesterol, no high blood pressure. your T, your testosterone has been checked. I actually got on TRT around that time and I was like, cool, this will be the fix. Are you on any SSRIs? Any other medications? Yeah, so the normal or the things that people go to right away is like medications, the amount of stagnation you may feel in your pelvis by lot of sitting or inactivity that would inhibit that. And then we kind of work our way into like the emotional components.

Austin (2:00)
Yeah, for four years of denial, maybe it’s just this, maybe I’m get healthier. And I’m like, oh, it’s actually, you’re going to therapy, learning that it’s a little bit more emotional than it is, you know, with physicality. Yeah, yeah. So when you were married, you got reliable erections. Once you got divorced and you started getting into the dating pool, it wasn’t as reliable. at all. It was actually like, whoa, what’s going on? Give me a little insight on like when you were finally single and you were out dating, what was that like? Was there anyone that you were dating? What was the pattern there? You know, since I don’t drink, it’s like how am I going to meet somebody? I went on Hinge, in Bumble, going on dates. was limited situationships, that it wanted to be honest that there was that. But it never really got anywhere because, you know, the girl would be like, you’re not, you’re not turned on. I’m like, no, I am. And then it’s like, I make all these other excuses up. Like I’m tired, stressed.

Melissa D (3:10)
which all could be true. Yeah, sure. Especially probably with my job. Yeah, a cortisol dump. Yeah, absolutely. So yeah, and then that’s when I tried ED medication. it would work, but then the side effects for me of stuffy nose, headache, just really wasn’t worth it. And it didn’t work all the time, or it didn’t work long enough. And it felt like I had to rush through the intimacy part. hey, it’s it. So that was just kind of a very big disconnect then with that person. It’s up now, let’s go.

Melissa D (3:47)
Yeah, so if we also just take a look, we’re going to zoom into when you would meet people on Bumble or Hinge, which are great places. You know, they are hit or miss, but they’re good places to meet people. What did you notice when you would start going on a date? Would sex happen that night or three dates in or was there a pattern that you can kind of notice? never like a one night thing or the first night thing ever. It was going to be a few dates you know and then you know it would progress to a level of you know just body contact kissing. It was probably on average like three to six times you know of going out and dates or like hey let’s go for a walk and then that’s when it would progress to like oh let’s be intimate. And then you you noticed your body wasn’t responding the way that you wanted to they would notice and they’d probably get insecure Yeah, then they would actually start to say, oh is it something with me? And I was embarrassed as a man. So I was like, oh no, it’s probably, you know, am I drinking enough water or hey, I’m just stressed. would be making, which is sure may be part of it, yeah. So then they would internalize it and then would kind of just like, we would just fizzle out in a way for I could ignore it. Yeah. Bummer. Yeah. Okay. So let’s let’s come to like more recent, you know, if there’s anyone more recent, what’s happening the same thing.

Austin (5:19)
Yeah, I was just in a relationship, short relationship. went from officially from like March, early March to like three or four weeks ago. How long was it?

Melissa D (5:32)
Tell me a little bit about what it looked like when you first got together. So before I got an Atlas Ship, I had found out about medication through a friend who was like, it’s an injectable. It’s basically like an ED medication oral, but it’s localized just to the tissue. So it’s not systemic. It’s like an insulin needle. And I was like, oh, so I tried it. And I was like, oh, wow, this works for a few hours. So it doesn’t need to be rushed. So I was upfront with my last girlfriend about that. was like, hey, so she was worried like, hey, is there any scar tissue? Are you damaging yourself? And then it was like, hey, do you actually like me? Do you find me attractive? And I was like, yeah. So it was all those same things from before. But there was a few times where I was able to achieve an erection. Right.

Melissa D (6:30)
Just naturally. I’d maintain it for a little bit, but then it was like it would be dirt in the sex if I didn’t have any medication. It was kind of just like, you know, if we changed positions or we changed something or we went from penetration to something else, it would… going to go down. okay. And what ended up happening, yeah, in that experience with this person? Yeah, just, it we’re compatible. broker.

Austin (7:04)
There’s a lot more to that, but yeah, we weren’t compatible. We were physically attracted to each other, but our morals and values essentially didn’t line up. Yeah, and those things are important. Very important. Yeah. So I wonder, when we lay all this out over a timeline of your experience, what are the things that you need? And maybe this is just something for you to kind of think about. What are the things that you need in intimacy and connecting with a woman that would have you feel more relaxed and more yourself? Yeah. That’s a question. Because I guess what I notice is in a lot of the men that I talk to and work with and are in retreat is that often time intimacy is happening faster than they want, but they want to kind of, okay, well I’m here, let’s go. And so there’s like this disconnect or they want to wait longer, but feel obligated to move things along. Everyone has their own reason, but I guess the point is to really like dissect some of these experiences. and see, you know, were you tracking something that you weren’t quite cognitive of?

Austin (8:21)
Yeah, so about two relationships ago, actually, that girl and I, we decided to actually not have sex for like the first month and a half. We both had like a similar timeline with divorce and everything. So we’re like, hey, let’s actually get to know each other. Yeah. first and then and it it worked out better one because it felt we knew each other like truly knew each other without being fogged by limerence right you can kind of look past some things or with all the chemicals going on but i still and i i had It’s smart. It happens.

Melissa D (8:57)
Yeah.

Austin (9:03)
I more, I achieved an erection more frequently because of that. Then that was shipped, but then obviously it went back to. an erection or getting an erection. But I didn’t have any the injection medication back then. So I was still able to achieve an erection in that relationship with here and there oral ED medication. And then this last one, limerence was definitely, looking back it was like, that was definitely ED. So there was a lot of pressure. Yeah. When you take a look at some of your sexual experiences, you know, with these different partners, what else is usually happening in the space? Like, is it always about penetration or are there other activities happening? What do you notice? It’s not always, I it somehow will get to penetration, but like for me I like the whole build up more than anything and that’s where I started getting in my head where I enjoy just pleasuring the woman for an extremely long time but then in the back of my head I’m like, wow, I’m ready, my body’s actually ready to go but I’m gonna lose this which I think loops it even more.

Melissa D (10:30)
Uh-huh. So there’s a lot of just like body contact oral on both parts, right? For a long time. it does feel like I have to rush it if I’m like, Like once it’s there, you have to like hop on it. And then it just kind of cascades and starts to snowball. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder about, you know, having this, these conversations with women early on, like, Hey, there, you know, I remember, some listeners might remember this, but I, as a teacher, went to this retreat with other teachers. And at the end of it, there was this little like what we call play party. So was a way that we could like play with other teachers and, know, do whatever we wanted to. all adults, right? But there was a conversation with a man that was like in the tantra community in

Melissa D (11:15)
education space, know, teaches this kind of stuff. And what he told me is, hey, I might not have an erection tonight, just to let you know, because I need I actually he referred to himself as a demisexual and I’m I am a demisexual too. So what it means for these people is that they need to kind of know the person more before an authentic arousal and true turn on can come online. That would probably align more with me since my divorce. found out where it was a lot. I had a very empty feeling after sex if it would, if there was no time spent knowing somebody and having some kind of connection. And then I started thinking like, what’s wrong with me? And then I was like, I’m just matured. And the fact that sex isn’t just, it’s actually special to me. Yeah, connecting with another human, probably. some type of connection for sure and sometimes it still feels a little rushed and I guess that is a conversation from the start would be actually beneficial. Yeah, so unpacking that early on like that teacher did with me and I was like, great. We both know that like your talk’s not going to get hard, which is fine. And some women know how to navigate that and some women might feel insecure. So that is an element. But opening the conversation and saying, you hey, I actually.

Melissa D (12:39)
want to get to know you more, and maybe there’s some activities that can still feel connected and sensual and engaging, but they’re not reliant on your cock being hard in order to be quote unquote successful. You know what I mean? Yeah, that makes sense. So like opening that conversation way sooner and as you deepen the relationship and you can kind of notice, they a good fit? Are they someone you actually genuinely like and are into? And then you might find that your arousal and like turn on actually comes more online. And then you also relieve the pressure because you’ve had the conversation. That pressure is in the back of your mind and I definitely know that plays into the issue. It’s a loop. You’re like, okay, when’s my cock it? Okay, it’s hard now. my God, you know, it’s a constant loop.

Austin (13:25)
state right yeah it’s actually I was told in that last relationship with the first or second time like hey you feel really disconnected from your cock and I was like that’s the first time I ever heard that definitely was because for for that for her we had talked about it but still I was like is she cool with it or she just saying that had you know it’s in the back of my mind the vulnerability yeah peace and then later on she was like there you are like now I feel the connection so she gave you the feedback of like feeling you. What was different for you internally? she was like that that’s what I expected. It was like hey we had some really deep conversations about it. She had questions I answered them and I was trying to give her information like hey it has nothing to do with how aroused or not aroused I am. She was like, yeah, that makes sense. But society always says like a man must be hard if he’s aroused. And then she’s like, it’s easier for women who, you we can use lube if we’re not. And she’s like, you have to, like it’s there. Plain sight. So it did feel good that like, okay, now I’m feeling it and she’s feeling it too. Right.

Melissa D (14:43)
Yeah, so many people don’t talk about this stuff, right? Yeah, it’s, you know, as a man, right, it’s very vulnerable and like sometimes you feel like you’re not, how much of a man am I if I can’t even do that, right? You know, I also have some things said from… about previous relationships or like situationships, guess. And I kind of stick in your head. I had like a woman say like, it’s too bad that you look like that. And that doesn’t work. know, and I know I don’t think she meant anything like negative or mean by it, but how she said it and how I received it was like, wow. That didn’t feel good, I imagine. kind of sticks in the back of your mind. You try not to think about it, but it’s like there’s a memory in your nervous system. And then it’s kind of in your head.

Melissa D (15:31)
Yeah. And so now you get to, to repattern that. I’m glad you mentioned the nervous system, because a lot of this does lay in there. It’s like how comfortable you feel, how relaxed you feel, you know, and also like the, the mind component, you know, how much are you kind of floating around and thinking and turning and turning and turning instead of actually being in your body and being in your pleasure. Absolutely. That’s when my last wife shipped. She said, you know, felt very disconnected. And I was like, wow, that was, that’s a good feedback. Like I can receive that because I wasn’t there. Like I was in my head the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. Some of those things sticking your head still it’s like being out, you know in high school and someone says something right and then in your 20s You still kind of replay that like, you know, it’s kind of like that. Mm-hmm, but I’m getting better at saying I don’t think she meant any harm by it, right? She just wasn’t able to communicate in the best way. Yeah, or she did Yeah. Who knows? Maybe she wasn’t doing it on purpose, but either way, it kind of stuck. Yeah. Okay. So where are you now in your, like, are you actively like looking for potential partners? Okay. You’re taking a break.

Austin (16:42)
Not right now. Yeah, that last relationship by I kind of unpacking some stuff in the limerence. I realized I was like, wow, like I was two feet in for once in my life. Wow. not one. My marriage I was two feet in kind of got burned. There’s some infidelity issues. And then my second last relationship, I said I was two feet in, but I realized I was one foot in the whole time due to my I had from my marriage. So then I took a lot of time being single about a year, year and a half since that one. And then this last one, I went two feet in. I was verbal about I am going to be intentional. My actions were intentional. And then my nervous system was like, oh, I’ll see what happened. And I’m trying to rewrite that being like, well, no, it just didn’t work out. So I don’t want to jump into anything. Not anything I can right now because my mind. hey, we need to review those things that happened. So where I’m at now is I’ve realized that I am lovable, I thought I wasn’t. And I learned that because the mirroring from my last girlfriend, I was like, oh, that was, she mirrored the love that I was giving. And I was like, wow, that’s the greatest gift I got out of this relationship was I can love and I’m lovable. So yeah, I’m not looking or dating or anything like that.

Melissa D (18:14)
Okay, so since you’re not looking and you’re not dating, one thing that you could do is really get connected with your own body. And that’s, know, I know there’s a lot of talk about, you know, a mindful masturbation practice or like a self pleasure practice. There’s different ways to look at it, but being able to engage with your body a little bit more mindfully than just jerking one out. Not to say that jerking one out isn’t, you know, fun and from that too because I was like well maybe that’s an issue, a sensitivity issue where like now my brain and my cock is accustomed to like it needs this sensation so I was like I’m just gonna stop. Yeah. Well, you know, I just had a conversation with another man today and it’s almost daily on something like the no fat movement or like, hey, I’m going to stop this altogether. And just like eating sugar or, you know, certain habits. Yes. Taking a pause, a mindful pause and really taking a look at it is good, but cutting it off completely could backlash. So what I might suggest for you to work on and we can circle back in like a week or two is just get curious about. when you actually engage with your body and you actually bring in self-touch that you broaden, you you don’t just focus on your cock. You don’t just go as quick as possible. You don’t just be as silent as possible. You take a look at some of these patterns and widen them a little bit. Okay, so, and also you don’t have to come every time either. And it’s not about restriction. I hope this doesn’t sound too confusing, but it’s it’s, it’s, it seems like you’re in this really mindful place. and you can look at your self-touch in that same way.

Austin (19:59)
I guess I was looking at it pretty negative. I was like, maybe that’s the issue. Yeah, sometimes, yeah, and sometimes, you know, certain patterns need to be interrupted and going cold turkey is like totally great. But entering it back in, because if you cut off your eroticism, your pleasure altogether, and then you’re with a partner, you might, you might be so, you know, You can still utilize the self-touch and self-pleasure in a beneficial way so that when you are with a partner, you’re a little bit more relaxed because you know your body and you know your nervous system. Yeah. And so there’s a, there’s a couple of different audios that I have and I’ll just send them to you. And they’re just, they’re just to get your mind in a different space and a different pattern. And then you could kind of make it up as you go. Like, again, like some people have these very specific ways of like stroking their cock and instead of going as fast as possible or in instead of doing it really quietly in the dark, know, like whatever, we really take a look at it and go, wait, I’m developing this whole different pattern and you have to show your body something different in order for it to do it. So if you want to last longer, if you want to be more sensual, if you want to like enroll your entire body, you have to teach it. like that. Neuroplasticity, it’s huge. I like to last less as long too. In my past relationships, I was like, I might not even, and I tell them that right from the start, it takes me a long time to orgasm, but it’s okay. And again, society has said.

Melissa D (21:22)
Yeah, you’re like, I want to get there eventually.

Austin (21:38)
male has to come to be successful and I’m like, hey, I’ve learned because of this that I actually, when I see the woman orgasm, it’s actually a better feeling than me orgasming. But my last pleasure ship, did kind of find a way where I was like, oh, I can finally orgasm. It would be an hour sometimes. Even my self pleasure, I would stop. I’d be like, this is taking a while. Great.

Melissa D (22:03)
Did you feel a little numb or was it like super pleasurable rousing you just couldn’t climb up? For a pleasurable, there would be times where it was almost there and you just change like a breathe for a second, right? Yeah. But then I just learned that it could be a positive thing. So it allows me now to explore and pleasure her more, which also forced me to learn her body more. So I’m like, hey, I’m not going to orgasm. So let me learn your body. And it drops out.

Melissa D (22:35)
Beautiful. Which is also another thing though is like and then they and the women in my past would internalize it being like So, you don’t you don’t find me attractive enough. I’m like, Right. Again, it’s so common. People aren’t having vulnerable, real conversations for a lot of reasons. And so you get the opportunity now to learn those things and bring it forward and whatever, whatever connection you make now. So yeah, in the meantime, so I’m going to give you a little play assignment for the next couple of weeks. You don’t have to be rigid about it. Okay. It’s just a curiosity. It’s just an inquiry on when you do self pleasure, you don’t have to achieve orgasm and you engage I’m excited for this.

Melissa D (23:17)
with your body in just a new way. Maybe it’s in the shower, really paying attention to the way that water is moving across your body, really touching and moving in different areas that you normally wouldn’t enroll. When you’ve done self pleasure before, tell me about some of the common patterns. Just the basic. Sometimes I’m in bed or on a couch, you know, and it’s just normal stroking. I stopped incorporating porn four years ago. Just stroke it till you’re done.

Melissa D (23:49)
That’s probably a good one. I started like listening to podcasts and I was like who’s addicted to porn right? I had this like we all have this different definition of addiction and I’m like, oh I know what addiction is like for people in drugs like I don’t have that and then I realized if you’re incorporating it every time, it’s probably addiction. So I just cut it out. That’s just not what I want. Because a lot of porn isn’t anything like… Yeah.

Melissa D (24:14)
Not at all. Yeah. this isn’t fun. But yeah, it’s been typical stroke. Sometimes there’s been toys because most of my past relationships, every woman’s like, hey, try this this P-spot. And I’m like, yeah. they’re like, that’s incredible. I always said that the joke of life for men is like your G-spot is in your ass. Amazing

Melissa D (24:41)
It’s so funny. I’ve tried that which it’s like it’s okay. Yes, I’d rather have that incorporated with a partner It’s not really like an arousal thing for me by myself. Yeah, just stroking till I come or it’s like I just give up Yeah, and so I wonder like taking a look at that and you know enrolling different parts of your body stroking in a new pattern You know learning and exposing your body just something a little bit different and then just seeing where where that goes Definitely. Mm-hmm. So what we’ll do is we’ll check in I’ll send you those materials and then we’ll check in in a couple weeks and just notice what you notice Yeah, what are you taking away from this conversation? I’ll take notes. It’s one that it’s more common than not broken. Just talking about it is like, a lot of weight off my shoulders in a way and you’re gonna just feel like, whew. And then that, it’s okay to self-pleasure, but let me learn my body, actually.

Melissa D (25:51)
Yes. I’ve been so focused on learning a woman’s body. I put a lot of pressure on myself for that too. But it’s like I’ve never actually probably really learned my body. Yeah, like who are you as an erotic being? And it’s like, that might be able to, that can translate into helping a future partner. Like, hey, is, try this. huh. Yeah. Cause the more that we know ourselves, then it, I imagine it impacts like once you’re with another person, you know, there’s just more, more there. Absolutely. Amazing. Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks for being open to the conversation. Yes.

Austin (26:26)
way around.