The gift of novelty: Reigniting passion in long-term relationship

“Was I craving him… or was I craving the thrill of not knowing what would happen next?”

Lately, I’ve been sitting with the magnetic pull of novelty, especially when considering reigniting passion in long-term relationship. Maybe you too have experienced something like: the laundry’s folded, dinner’s prepped, the kids are in bed… and you’re both scrolling IG shorts instead of touching, teasing, or even just looking at one another.

Nothing’s wrong, exactly.

But everything feels… familiar. Predictable. Easy. Which is its own sweetness.

The thing most people don’t understand is that predictability, as Jack Morin so brilliantly pointed out in The Erotic Mind, is one of the biggest killers of erotic energy. Esther Perel echoes this too, calling predictability the enemy of eroticism.

If you’ve been in a long-term relationship, you’ve probably felt some version of this too.

The love is still there. The turn on is still there. The life you’ve built is stable. And yet, something in the erotic department feels… just good.

Look, it’s normal. Every well meaning couple drifts into some form of comfortable groove especially if there is shared living space, co working time or a family to raise.

A Healthy Relationship Hack for Reigniting Passion in Long-Term Relationship

And even better? There’s something you can do about it that doesn’t involve scrapping this relationship or flying off to Bali with a complete stranger in order to experience the feeling you may be after.

Jack Morin, in his groundbreaking book The Erotic Mind, explains that erotic desire and excitement is fueled by something he calls The Erotic Equation:

And by “obstacles,” I am not encouraging unnecessary drama, fights or games although those things often create a spark.

I am referring to healthy tension. Risk. The delicious sense of “I don’t quite know what’s going to happen next.”

In other words… novelty. The unpredictable. The part that allows a more primal, unplanned part of us to come out to play.

Once we are aware of this, we can begin orchestrating it for ourselves in healthy, satisfying ways instead of being driven by it and wondering what is happening.

Novelty often gets misunderstood in relationships.

We’re taught that desiring something new implies that what we have isn’t enough. That craving novelty is somehow a betrayal. But what if that’s not true at all?

What if your longing for something fresh, unfamiliar, or even just less expected isn’t a sign that anything is broken… but a signal that your erotic system is alive and well?

And what if rather than going it alone, your partner could actually be your ally in that exploration? How fun does that sound?

Here’s the truth:

Novelty doesn’t mean disloyalty.

It means aliveness. It means curiosity. It means staying awake to what’s possible.. in relationship together.

Sometimes, that looks like a full-blown sexual exploration inviting in a third, or visiting a Tantra retreat, or booking a session with a skilled Pro Domme or a sexological bodyworker to help build ideas that support your shared values and boundaries.

Other times? It’s as simple as this:

• Respectfully No longer living together in order to create more autonomy and time apart. (obstacle!)

• Trying something edgy together that you’ve wanted to. Is it anal or a new position?

• Dressing differently: like confidence in heels or vulnerability in nothing but a leather collar.

• Meeting your partner at a bar and pretending you just met (10/10 recommend)

• Going to a sex club or play party just to witness, or be witnessed by others.

• Giving each other secret tasks at dinner out: “This harness hidden under your dress means that you are mine!”

Novelty can come in a variety of ways, this is why it is important to have the conversation with your partner to identify what exactly would be novel to each of you independently as well as together.

It just has to make you feel something different. Something alive! Something new!

The Anatomy of Desire: A Map for Playing with Novelty on Purpose

This is where my dear friend and colleague Cosmo Meens comes in.

He developed a powerful framework called The Anatomy of Desire, a method for navigating consent, curiosity, and connection with more presence and care.

In six steps, it gently guides the conversation from “Hmm… I wonder” to “Wow… we really did that with intention.”

What I love most about this approach is its humanity.

It reminds us that not every desire needs to be acted upon but every desire deserves a place to be spoken into a place where it can be heard.

There’s real healing that happens when we give voice to what lives in the imagination, and then, together, decide which desires are meant to be explored and which are meant to simply be witnessed.

Here’s a quick overview:

• The Desire: Let yourself want something. No shame. Let it live in your body before it ever makes it to your mouth. Notice the feeling and charge alone.

• The Ask: Create the space to voice it. Share. Speak it out loud. Name the impact. Breathe.

• The Negotiation: If your partner says yes, amazing. If not, great. Now you get to explore other options. (“Not this… but maybe that? or if it is done in this way.”)

• The Way: Get clear. Who’s involved? Where does it happen? What are the boundaries? (This is where safety lives.)

• The Moment: Be present. Let yourself receive what you desired and then created. Feel it fully.

• The Check-In: After the dust (and dopamine) settles, check in. What did you learn? What do you want next time?

It’s one of the most elegant and embodied consent tools I’ve ever used when exploring desire, and I often share it with couples who are ready to explore new territory without losing the foundation they’ve built.

What to do if you feel an itch for some novelty?

You don’t have to blow up your life, your family or safety to feel turned on or a spark of aliveness again.

You just need a little tension. A little play. A little permission to ask:

“What would feel exciting to us now?”

Consider it a healthy relationship hack.

The erotic doesn’t always live in comfy routines.

It lives and thrives in the unknown. In presence. In risk that’s held with care.

So if you’re craving something you can’t quite name, something just beyond the familiar; it might not be about who you’re with…

It might be about consciously adding a little obstacle or a bit of the unknown into the frame.

And there are brilliant ways to explore this within Sexological Bodywork sessions, Erotic Immersions and retreats!

Ready to Explore Something New and Novel… Together?

If you and your partner are ready for support in reigniting passion in long-term relationship, I’d love to support you in the conversation.

At BodyJoy Intimacy School, we offer:

• Private Immersion Days in Austin, TX

• 75-minute Body Reverence Sessions

• Somatic Medicine Assisted Journeys with licensed providers at Bodyjoy

• Somatic coaching to help you explore novelty in a way that’s grounded, playful, and real.

Because the spark doesn’t die, it just waits for your attention.