How to Watch Porn Mindfully: What It Does—and Doesn’t—Do for You

As a sex and intimacy coach, I decided that since porn is a big part of today’s sex scene, I’d better know more about it. So I spent a good couple months watching… lots. It was a very interesting experiment. I didn’t even need a vibrator.

Instead of trying to answer whether pornography is good or bad, I want to share a more helpful angle: how to watch porn mindfully—so it supports, rather than sabotages, your intimate life. That includes:

1. What porn will and won’t do for you
2. How to find the good stuff
3. And how to actually watch it in a way that turns you on without tuning you out

Porn can kickstart a hot sexual encounter—or get in the way of having good sexual relationships. Watching porn is a little like using a credit card—it’s a great tool when you use it right, but it’s easy to fall into bad habits and get into trouble. You choose.

5 Things Porn Won’t Do for You

1. Help you like your body — Unless you’re twenty, a cute Barbie doll, or Ken with a ten-inch cock and have $$$ for cosmetic surgery.

2. Make you feel good about your orgasms — Unless yours are always big, wet, pounding, quick, loud, consistent, and OFTEN. What’s wrong with you anyway?

3. Make you closer to your partner — Unless maybe you’re watching it together

4. Give you a realistic picture of sex, love, or intimacy — But let’s be real: most Hollywood movies don’t do that either. So how do we learn mature, empowered, spiritual sexuality? Come see me. Read books. Go to workshops. Study pleasure.

5. Be about whole-body pleasure — Porn is usually ‘penis-vagina-wiggle-wiggle-pop.’ The real estate is a few square inches between the legs. WOMEN LOVE WHOLE BODY TOUCH (which, by the way, helps prevent premature ejaculation). Three cheers for Whole Body Sensuality, and boo to wiggle-wiggle-pop.

5 Things Porn Can Do for You

1. Get you off… and off… and OFF — If you find the right kind of porn for you, it’s HOT. Just be mindful of how often you’re going for that dopamine spike—it can slide into compulsion fast.

2. Spice things up — With new ideas, laughter, positions, games, and actual conversations about sex.

3. Make you feel normal — It’s NORMAL to be interested in sex, to love sex, to be an exhibitionist, to be a voyeur, to fantasize, and to want to try new things. Good news: you’re not broken.

4. Give you company — With people right there in your home (or hotel or wherever) breathing heavy, moaning with pleasure, all glassy-eyed—even if they’re on screen.

5. Make you compulsive — Yes, I put a negative in the positive list. But it bears repeating. If you’re using porn over and over without satisfaction or connection, it might be time to check in with your habits and deeper needs.

How to Watch Porn Mindfully and Consciously

If you’re in a relationship, I suggest watching porn together—and experimenting. Try different genres with a guide like The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos by Violet Blue. Educate yourself. Explore.

Sample a range of styles: gay male, lesbian, woman-directed, vintage features (with storylines!), S/M, Gonzo, classics, and educational. There’s something for everyone.

And remember: keep the remote control handy. You’re in charge. Don’t watch what doesn’t work for you. Find what you like—if anything—and use it wisely. Use it the way you (hopefully) use your credit card: consciously, within your limits, without going into debt or compulsion.

A Few of My Porn Favorites

• Velvet Tension (no intercourse in the whole movie!)
• Tipping the Velvet (great lesbian film)
• Matinee (real people, real sex – Blue Artichoke Films)
• Portrait of a Dominatrix by Ernst Green
• Feminine porn from Candice Royal and other award-winning female directors
• Educational porn like Nina Hartley’s “How to Give a Great Blow Job”
• Talk to Me Baby – A Lover’s Guide to Dirty Talk and Role Play

Lots to learn. Lots to enjoy.

Final Thought: Make Your Own

And if you don’t like the porn that’s out there? Be proactive. MAKE YOUR OWN. Let’s be the change we want to see happen.