As a sex and Intimacy coach I decided since porn is a big part of today’s sex scene, I’d better know more about it, so I spent a good couple months watching…lots. Very interesting experiment, I didn’t even need a vibrator. Instead of trying to answer whether pornography is good or bad, I decided you need to know 1) what porn will and will not do for you 2) how to find the good stuff 3) and how to watch it. Porn can kickstart a hot sexual encounter, or get in your way of having good sexual relationships. Watching porn is a little like using a credit card—it’s a great tool when you use it right, but it’s easy to be seduced into bad habits and get into trouble. You choose. Here’s five pitfalls of porn use—followed by five ways it can help you.
Don’t expect Porn to—
1) Help you like your body—unless you’re twenty, a cute Barbie doll, or Ken with a ten inch cock, and have $$$ for multiple cosmetic and body surgeries.
2) Make you feel good about your orgasms—Unless your orgasms are always big, wet, pounding, quick, loud, consistent, and OFTEN–like EVERY TIME! What’s wrong with you anyway?
3) Make you closer to your partner—unless maybe you’re watching it together.
4) Give you a realistic picture of sex, love and intimacy—but most movies don’t do that either. So how do we learn mature, empowered, and spiritual sexuality? Come and see me, or other teachers, read books, go to workshops and put some time and effort into this discipline—Study Pleasure!
5) Be about Whole Body pleasure—Porn is ‘penis-vagina-wiggle-wiggle pop’ action. Yep, the real-estate is a few square inches between the legs. Forget about the rest of the body, it’s not important. Hey, Dudes, take note, WOMEN LOVE WHOLE BODY TOUCH (which also helps prevent premature ejaculation.) Three cheers for Whole Body Sensuality, and Boo Boo wiggle-wiggle-pop.
Expect that Porn may help—
1) Get you off…and off, and OFF, and….yes, if you find the right porn for you, it’s HOT. Warning: getting off too often could start to feel troublesome or compulsive.
2) Spice things up…with new ideas, laughter, positions, games, and conversations about sex.
3) Make you feel NORMAL. It’s NORMAL to be interested in sex, to love sex, to be an exhibitionist, to be a voyeur, to fantasize, to want to try new things—this is GOOD.
4) Give you company—with people right there in your own home (hotel, theater, etc.) being sexual, breathing heavy, moaning with pleasure, all glassy eyed (even if on screen.)
5) Make you compulsive—You crave it, over and over, but it never seems to fill the hole (pun intended). I know I stuck a negative in my positive list, but it needs another mention. Shame on me, get out the flogger.
I suggest if you’re a couple, watch porn together, and experiment with the difference kinds of porn with a good guide book like The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos by Violet Blue. Educate yourself, sample different genres—gay male, Lesbian, woman directed, features (with a story line, some set in Victorian times with candlelight and elaborate corsets), Gonzo (no plot), S/M, classics, and educational (yes!).
Find what you like. While watching, keep your remote control handy—remember you’re in charge, don’t watch what doesn’t work for you. Find what you like (if anything) and use it. Use it wisely as you use your credit card (hopefully), no reason to go into debt, pay late fees or become addicted to borrowing–if you’re smart.
A few of my porn favorites are, Velvet Tension (no intercourse in the whole movie!), Tipping the Velvet (great Lesbian), Matinee (real people, real sex from Blue Artichoke Films), Portrait of a Dominatrix by Ernst Green, feminine porn from director Candice Royal or other award-winning female directors, educational porn such as ‘how to’ videos, like how to give a good blow job by porn star (and nurse) Nina Hartley, and Talk to me Baby—A Lover’s Guide to Dirty Talk and Role Play. Lots to learn and enjoy.
And remember, if you don’t like the porn that’s out there, be proactive and MAKE YOUR OWN. Let’s be the change we want to see happen!
Hi Charla,
I think your suggestions are great and I will post them on FB and my website.
I am alarmed at mainstream porn and the trends of misogyny that are portrayed. Do you ever see cunnilingus performed? It is about the mans penis, whose face they only sometimes show, and seeing it inside a woman. Every woman is a “slut, whore, etc” and many, I’m certain, are victims of trafficking. They are groomed and then they are accused of “choosing to do this”. Anal sex is now a norm. If you look at some of young- and I mean underage that are being passed off as 18, you can either see a grimace, or not see there faces. Rape is occurring in porn! Pimps are making fortunes. Many are very young and will most certainly become psychologically damaged and ruin there chances for real intimacy. Shame, humiliation, guilt, and the eternal presence on the web are factors that leaders in the Sex Positive Community as yet, to my knowledge addressed. That, to me, is unacceptable! I recently had a conversation with Ms. Sprinkle who seems to only recall the early days of conservative porn and is presently only familiar with the porn you referenced. Porn is now an publicly traded industry which depends on the orifices of woman. It is time to speak up for these unheard and disposable women.
If you are seriously interested in obtaining a broader view, which many sexologists aren’t, please read Getting Off: Pornography and the End of Masculinity, and watch the dvd After Porn Ends.
Thanks,
Elaine
I really don’t see those things you do in the porn I’ve watched. I live in a culture that devalues women’s wisdom and experience–porn is no different. Madison Ave advertising and regular movies will have more influence on our daughters than porn. I can’t even watch TV anymore–yuk!
Hi, again, Charla,
I agree with you in most of your comments, although, as you pointed out, each one’s preferences are different. For instance, I’ve always been heavy on equal enjoyment, or even woman focused enjoyment. Of course, that’s follows an axiom (ooo, I’m being normative here, aren’t I?) that if SHE’s having a great time, anyone else in the picture would most likely also be having a good time.
However, I personally prefer “erotica” to “porn.” For me, erotica depicts beautiful, winsome experiences that may or may not be totally explicit. On the other hand, I see “porn” as ugly and degrading (especially against women). So, dear friend, that’s my opinion with a positive focus, and I’m sticking with it! Lots of love, David.
P.S. Enjoy Portugal and the Temera community.
Ha! My porn Divas tell me the difference between porn and erotica is just the ‘lighting’!
Hi Charla,
Perhaps you should visit Redtube.
Just read this… good points… I guess I tend to agree with all/most of your points… maybe that’s cause I’m older now and the “wiggle-wiggle-pop” doesn’t happen for me anymore. LoL