As an intimacy coach I run across men who want to involve their partner but don’t know how to introduce the idea. Or I run across women who want to come to a couple’s workshop, but think their boyfriend won’t. Face it; intimacy is scary, especially if it’s not your idea. We’re not sure what it means, what will be asked of us, if we’ll measure up, or if it means getting more of what already isn’t working (like more of the same sex).
Whew! Most of us are in the dark about what intimacy means. We go to school in everything else—but who teaches us sensual truthfulness, vulnerability, and to love our body? We’re so busy with work; relationships get only the crumbs left over from a too busy, stressed day. and the insidious team, Shame and Silence, has run show so long we don’t even recognize them. None of us were taught pleasure can heal and that desires are good. So how can you turn a relationship that’s spiraling down to one spiraling up in sensuality, spontaneity, and pleasure?
Here’s how it happened to me. I got a handmade (OK, computer-generated) note from my husband inviting me to a homemade dinner (by HIM!) and a movie (surprise) the next weekend. Do you think I accepted? He had my attention, and he supplied no more details the ensuing days—not even the menu. The evening arrived and he busied himself IN THE KITCHEN (very sexy) and I was curious. After a sensual candlelit dinner where I felt like a teenager again, he popped in a DVD– Ancient Secrets of Sacred Loving, a beautiful documentary (now 10 years old and timeless) on Tantra–Sacred Loving, filmed in nature under waterfalls. I had never heard of Tantra and was fascinated at the positive approach, feminine slant, to being sensual (more so than sexual) with a lover. I never saw him again with the same eyes…and our loving transformed!
So take the initiate, be brave, and step out. Men, tell your woman you want to learn how to love her better and how to give her more of what she deserves. Bring home a book from the sexuality section of a bookstore, like Erotic Massage, or 8 Erotic Nights or many other good ones, because you were thinking of her. Babysit the kids, clean the house, cook supper, so she can enjoy an evening reading with you. Tell your beloved you want to share a life together that’s more gracious, giving, sensuous and you want to learn how to do it with her. Say you want to discover the heart of soul of loving a woman, so when you die you will have known true ecstasy—and you want to go there with HER (or him if you’re a woman). Suggest intimacy classes and retreats such my Valentines Lovers Weekend at Serenity Spa Wimberley this February. Start at an entry level with no nudity, and sensual (not sexual) activities in a romantic setting. Assure her that her choices are always respected, and that you understand feeling safe comes before feeling sexy.
Break the Shame and Silence of the status quo, if you don’t, who will, and what have you got to lose? If she (or he) says ‘no’ let her know you do not want to say no to your own sensual exploration into spiritual loving, so what options are open for you? Loaded question, huh? Since when is it OK to decide for another person the course of their sensual discovery? That can make a good discussion. Remind her (him) that you want to start at home because that is where the love it. Yes, intimacy can shake your world, and it will. Charla, the Intimacy Imp