We’ve put a lot of pressure on ourselves to perform in s3xual and er0tik situations, many times with strangers. With the access to social and hook up apps, the allure of being able to procure s3x anytime, anywhere is savory and the fantasy of the experience right at your fingertips feels like a juicy steak just waiting to be devoured. The fantasy is often powerful enough, charged enough to be a meal on its own. The experience shifts though when you meet with this new person face to face. You are in the presence of a new body, a new energy, potentially a new environment. To some, this can all feel very exciting, and simultaneously extremely intimidating and overwhelming. I often hear from clients and friends the desire to be able to walk into any situation confidently so to have an amazing s3xual experience no matter what, no matter with who. So how do you do that? The answer will vary from person to person, yet the discovery process and inquiry can have similarities across the board. The common denominator is feeling safe within your own body, connected to your own body, attuned to it.
Going into any situation with confidence requires some due diligence: knowing what your desires are, your boundaries (what is a hell yes for you, an absolute no, and what is negotiable?), listening and attuning to your gut instincts (do I feel safe enough to stay), and most importantly knowing your own body. A little self pep talk is helpful too – the affirmation that you are sexy, worthy, open, tender, strong, and can hold that for the other person in the room too. Before you go into an experience, you might ask yourself, “How do I want to feel after this?” Your answer could inform what kind of experience you ask for or create for yourself. If you want to feel nurtured and loved, you might create a warm, soft atmosphere that elicits this, and you may ask for extended aftercare: cuddles, bathing together, talking. And if you want to feel used or taken, your setup and requests might look different.
Being attuned to your body’s knowing is two-fold. On the one hand it’s knowing what you want/don’t want, and in the other hand, it’s being able to express and ask for what you want. And what happens when we don’t listen to ourselves is akin to body betrayal – allowing an experience to happen when it’s not wanted, for a myriad of reasons: fear of rejection, shame, fear of bing too much, fear of being asked to leave, or being perceived as mean or rude, to name a few. And this act of self betrayal is at the root of the empty feeling following s3x that so many have felt. It is the voice that says, “let’s hurry up and get this over with, or “why am I here.” If you feel safe enough to stay, the self questions might shift to ask, “can I focus on the sensation of their touch, kiss?” And if the kiss and touch are not to your liking, consider teaching them how you like it, “I love soft slow deep kisses.” I love really firm touch, and to be held tight.” And if you are still unable to connect with your own body and their body through this connection, you have the right to leave.
I’d love to tell you that nervousness and anxiety go away completely as you become more embodied and more aware. The reality is they don’t, and in fact, you may feel all the feelings more deeply. The difference is that you have more tools to stay rooted in your pleasure, to remain present, calm, collected, and to return to presence. Staying in connected space becomes a conscious choice rather than a surrender to your anxiety.
The tools are simple and you were born with them. The mastery of them is not a destination but rather a lifelong practice.
Court Vox is a Sex and Intimacy Consultant, Surrogate Partner Intern, and Sacred Intimate. He is a member of the World Association of Sex Coaches, and Founder of The Body Vox. He is a guide for a vast spectrum of individuals and those in relationship/s seeking more in their erotic and intimate lives. TheBodyVox.com
Performance Anxiety written by Court Vox / PC: Emric K. der Traumer