A young man comes to see me for sex coaching who is feeling shy, awkward and inexperienced with his older girlfriend. She usually initiates their sex and says she wants more passion from him. He really likes her and even thinks she’s the one–yet, the sex part of the relationship causes him much worry because he often comes too soon.
He discloses that he relates closely with Peter Pan and Dionysus, one holds the key to Neverland and the other ‘Pan’, is god of sensuality and celebration. He desires to grow a spiritual aspect to his sexulaity and asks me if I would like to play the role of Wendy or Diana with him in this session?
I enjoy trying new things along side my clients and becoming ‘Wendy for Peter Pan’ or ‘Diana for Dionysus’ puts a big smile on my face. Knowing that play and pleasure are powerful teachers, I say, “Yes, let’s play.” We would be making it up along the way (scary for me even), and ‘Peter’ would experience taking the lead, inventing, voicing his desires, and thereby, hopefully gain confidence. And play is a perfect way to prolong one’s sensual experience.
I draw up the ground rules for safe play with clear consent–we’d both practice expressing an authentic (body-based, not head-based) yes or no to the other’s request. After a fun session of laughter and play, I thought, “When did we adults stop playing in sex, and when can we start again?”
Towards the end of our time, Peter Pan, all smiles, asks if we could ‘cuddle.’ I ask him what he meant by ‘cuddle.’ He says, “lying together and moving around.” Not clear enough for me. I offer, “I’ll ‘spoon’ with you, which means lying on our sides, clothed, not moving, and tuning into our breath–for five minutes.” Now that’s clear, but then I’m a teacher. I suggest if other urges surfaced during our spooning, fine, we don’t have to act on them.
I gave my Neverland Boy some homework–to honor his internal Peter Pan or Dionysus in some tangible way that week–make a drawing, write a poem, find a photo, collect a token, etc. to remind him to invite these great archetypes, so eloquently embodied in him, out to play with others–often. And maybe I’ll do that for Wendy too! Hum, life is full.