Author Archive: Charla

A New Pill for Women – Low Sexual Desire?

A New Pill for Women—Low Sexual Desire?

Big Pharma’s spent billions on a female Viagra.  Women now suffer from–drum roll–Low Sexual Desire that can be fixed with Big Pharma’s answer—a new drug, Flibanserin.

Actually, in today’s world low sexual desire in women is a sign of health—women are so tired of status quo sex they are finally saying no more.  They’re tired of male-agenda sex, bored and tired of penis-in-the-vagina centered sex, lack of romance, lack of sincere attention, the absence of intrigue and cuddling—they are saying no right and left.  And rightly so.  Their brand of sexuality, their rhythm, intrigue, fantasies and desires are largely untapped and unexpressed.  So, tell me, will a pill fix that?

Women, you need a shot of bravery.  If you’re not getting what you want, why are you not asking for it?  Will your man run and hide?  What do you want anyway?  Here’s what I think is pretty sexy:  a man who is more about ‘whole body touch’ and less about ‘going for the goods,’ more about ‘vulnerability’ and less about ‘knowing it all,’ more about ‘being present’ and less about ‘getting somewhere,’ more about ‘being’ and less about ‘doing.’  Now, Big Pharma, give him a pill for that!

As a sex coach I see many couples who want a better sex life.  Recently a husband brought his wife in to ‘fix’ her ‘low sexual desire.’  I had them each detail their idea of a great erotic encounter.  He spilled over with a steamy swing club scenario replete with toys, threesomes, and more.  On her turn, shamefully she looked at the floor and finally sighed, “I don’t imagine sex scenes. I don’t fantasize.”  I gave her lots of space and nudged her to tell a story she’d like to see happen—even if it didn’t look like his.  She began hesitatingly, “We’re on a beach and he’s in a hammock. There’s a breeze and I’m rocking him and serve him a drink.  He reaches over and touches my face where a palm leaf makes a shadow and traces his finger along my cheek, then down my neck to my shoulders where the light touches my skin.”

No magic pill is going to make her say that to him, it took a sex coach (in this case).  No pill can help you research your desires, risk saying them out loud, make you say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no.  How do you become erotically mature and ‘choose’ what happens on your body?  Pills don’t put you in the driver’s seat of your sex life!  You do.  As long as women don’t express the kind of sex they want, no drug is going to make them like what they’re tired of.  And the last thing a mature woman wants is a man with a Viagra-driven cock pumping into her with no more consciousness than it had 10, 20, or 30 years ago.

Women, do you want that great feeling of desire surging through your body?  Stop apologizing for and start initiating the kind of sex you want.  Commit to your erotic self-awareness, self-trust and expression.  Find your voice.  Do the work.  Take back your Body.  And get off drugs—like anti-depressants that take away your highs and lows.  Get high, get low—it’s life—live it!  There are men who will support and cheer your steps toward authentic erotic expression.  These men know the art of slowness, presence, telling the truth, being vulnerable and choosing pleasure over performance.  And they didn’t get there by taking a pill.  Do the work!

For mature women who are bored with Status Quo Sex, here’s a RX from the Sex Doctor (that’s me):  1)  Stop putting up with the kind of sex you grew up thinking you were supposed to like.  2) Don’t let a man, let alone Big Pharma, tell you what your desire should look like.  3)  Become a Pleasure Activist—Ride your pussy like a wild pony and make Pleasure your next Discipline–go on a Pleasure Diet!  Do it for you or not at all!  Your man will love it—or if not, get another one.  And seek out a professional sex coach for a shot of confidence to get you back in the saddle.  Check out my new online course, 7 Erotic Nights—a course in Pleasure for Partners.   It’s fun, affordable, and will bring you and a partner homegrown intimacy that warms the heart and pussy.

How To Enjoy Dating

A friend shared a dating book with me that made a huge difference in his shy, inexperienced life—you’d never recognize that in him now!  I gleaned a few new tips.  Don’t read on if you’re stuck on finding ‘The One.’  I’m personally giving it up for awhile.

How to Enjoy Dating

Never put all your hope in ONE MAN (or WOMAN).  There’s a 100 just like him/her, and thousands better.

You’re better off alone than with the wrong man (or woman, you get the idea…)

Flirt—with every man in every conversation!  Stay in condition.  Bust his Balls!

DOM—Date Other Men:  Being needy sucks. (DOW!)

Every man is practice for the next.

You miss every shot you don’t take (from a pro basketball player!)

Meet, Attract, Close:

  1. Say ‘hi,’ engage him, let him know you’re interested
  2. Get his contact—then leave—he needs space.
  3. Have a strong close—don’t let it dwindle.

Be humorous—It shows confidence.  Shows you can take a step back and see the bigger picture.

Build trust—tell the truth, hold to your word, no misleading.

Unpredictable is good.  Be a little mysterious.

Go slow!

Every man gets a 90 day probationary period.

Work on your life, not his.

Do what’s right for you, because no one else will.

You’ll never know what he’s thinking.  So don’t even try.

Make no decision when you’re feeling insecure, wait till your attitude and power is back.

All unhappiness stems from desire for things to be different.

Forget what you want, there’s only what is.  Make it work for you.

You’ll never be happy with what you want, till you’re happy with what you have—right now.

90% of what we worry about never happens:  90% of what happens to us we never have a chance to worry about.  You gotta love it.

After the Sweet Spot Workshop with Charla

What a wonderful image I hold in my mind after teaching my day workshop, The Sweet Spot: How to Give and Get the Touch You Want.  I looked over a room of 22 folks, soft with pleasure, their bodies draped over backjacks chairs, their faces peaceful and content.  We had found such simple and satisfying ways to express desires and be touched.  One student said, “Gee, that was the funnest time I ever had keeping my clothes on!”

We’d just spent the day finding out what we wanted on our body as well as what we wanted to do to someone else’s body–all with clear consent, of course!  In the 3 Minute Game we experimented for 4 different types of touch scenarios, each with their own challenges and rewards.  Some times we worked in duos and other times trios.  Gender of one’s partner wasn’t important to mastering the skill.

We slowed down by using one directional touching, “for you” or “for me,” and learned why that’s so important.  Watching a room full of deeply engaged, focused givers and receivers is a privilege I never take lightly.  In the final circle of the day, students could barely talk–ha!– all for trying to engage the Left brain when you’re steeped in the Right.  I looked over a Sea of Well-touched People, and believe it’s the foundation to World Peace.

The whole room was swimming in an endorphin/ serotonin stew.  Blood chemistry changes–it’s a fact!  And you could see the proof.  We sat in “ec-stasy”–or ex-status–which means out of status (or out of status quo.)   In this altered state, it’s tricky for a teacher to get students to speak about their experiences–but what came out was truly profound, “I really loved touching her for my pleasure, it was amazing.”  “I’ve never asked for things for me.” “I felt wanted and I didn’t even have to do anything.”

We did end up brainstorming questions like, “Why is it hard to ask for what we want?”  What do we do instead?”  “Do we say yes when we mean no, and no when we mean yes?” “What lengths do we go to try to have someone guess what we want?”  And, “What is vulnerability?” “What is intimacy?”  Students found new and enjoyable ways to touch; they used clear communication and expressed themselves authentically.  They will take that home with them.

I left students with these closing words:  “Notice what you want—it is different that what you are ‘willing to give or allow’.  Notice what you want…value it, trust it, communicate it.  Your desires are your highest intelligence; they will steer you into a life of wonder.  Choosing what you want on your body is a Spiritual Act.  It is more important that any fancy things we do to each other.  The act of ‘choosing’ is more important than the act of “doing.”  Deciding what happens on your body is the heart of self-responsibility and the soul of erotic empowerment.”

Charla Hathaway, Intimacy educator

Sex and Tango: Notes from a Sex Coach and Tango Dancer

A newcomer to Tango dancing, I’m inspired to share the many parallels I see between this intimate, elegant dance and what I teach as a sex coach about intimate, elegant sex.  

 

In the sensual dance of Tango, the man becomes the container for the dance, and the woman, the movement.  The man forms the foundation, the woman moves the energy and light.  He is the Presence; She is the Dance.  He makes a subtle suggestion, a proposal for action, she interprets his cue, and moves her body.  In short, the man makes an offer, the woman interprets, and whatever she does–he makes it right!   And then he offers another suggestion–over and over.

 

In Sex as in Tango, a man needs a deep connection to his inner core strength to be a strong container or underlying Presence.  His Presence, deep and spiritual, is the safe springboard for the woman’s delight, play, energy the light.   He suggests, and she moves and dances her dance.

 

In sex, if a man is too busy trying, doing, moving, or even penetrating, he cannot hold the strong container for a woman’s dance.  A man must be able to touch his essential ‘stillness’, just as a musician knows, “There is no music without playing the rests.”  A good Lover (and Tango dancer) is a man who can hold space for a woman to do her thing.  And a good Lover (and Tango dancer) is a woman who can take this space, own it, breathe it, and move through it with joy and abandon…to both’s delight!  A man connected to his core strength and comfortable with ‘not doing’  sets the Universe in motion by his mere suggestion.

 

When a man provides a space for a woman to find her pleasure, she’ll capture the light and ride into ecstasy…carrying them both beyond the music, beyond the bedroom, beyond the dance floor, beyond the light, and into a seamless Sea of Pleasure and Treasured Connection that we all love, long for, and long to be lost in.

 

Interestingly, in Tango, except for learning purposes, one partner is perpetually the ‘lead’ (suggesting movements), and other the ‘follower’ (interpreting cues). The beauty of good sex is, although the man and women naturally (and culturally) play certain roles, we get to switch.  And changing off the lead can be fun, playful, inventive, and enlightening.  In sex we can choose to negotiate roles, reverse them, change our mind, all which makes things very interesting.  Sex is a great place to discover our innate male and female, our natural desire to both lead and follow.  This expansiveness in sexuality, a uniquely human invention of consciousness, lets us play in both realms–accessing our larger selves, harnessing greater awareness, and expanding our spiritual soul.

 

So I love expressing my feminine on the dance floor, dressing sexy in high heels, and love the men who hold space for my dance.  And I love ‘tangoing’ in the bedroom knowing deeply the complimentary essence of power and surrender, their unique qualities and challenges, and choosing and weaving between them in every moment.

 

My favorite Austin Tango teachers are Stephen Shortnacy,  Monica & Gustavo and Daniela

 

Sex and Tango: Notes from a Sex Coach and Tango Dancer

A newcomer to Tango dancing, I’m inspired to share the many parallels I see between this intimate, elegant dance and what I teach as a sex coach about intimate, elegant sex.  

 

In the sensual dance of Tango, the man becomes the container for the dance, the woman, the movement.  The man forms the mold, the woman moves the energy and light.  He is the Presence; She is the Dance.  He makes a subtle suggestion, a proposal for action, she interprets his cue, and moves her body.  In short, the man makes a suggestion, the woman does her thing, he makes it right and offers another suggestion–over and over.

 

In Sex as in Tango, the man is the container, the mold, the underlying Presence.  The woman is the energy, the light and movement.  He leads with a suggestion, she interprets his cue and moves her body, her breath, dancing her dance, expressing her desires.  His Presence, deep and spiritual, is the safe springboard for her delight, play, and sexual energy…that feels so good to them both.

 

In Sex, if a man is too busy trying, doing, moving, or even penetrating, he cannot hold the strong container for her ecstasy. A man must know how to be still, just as there is no music without playing the rests.  A good Lover (and Tango dancer) is a man who can hold space for a woman to do her thing.  And a good Lover (and Tango dancer) is a woman who can take this space, own it, dance it, and move through it with joy and abandon.  A man has to be so connected to his core, inner strength, and comfortable with ‘not doing’ so that his mere suggestion (not a heavy hand) sets the Universe in motion.

 

Magically, a man’s deep Presence opens space for a woman to find her pleasure, her dance, capture the light, and ride into ecstasy…carrying them both beyond the music, beyond the bedroom, beyond the dance floor, beyond the light, and into a seamless Sea of Pleasure and Treasured Connection that we all love, long for, and long to be lost in.

 

Interestingly, in Tango, except for learning purposes, one partner is perpetually the ‘lead’ (suggesting movements), and other the ‘follower’ (interpreting cues). The beauty of good sex is, although the man and women naturally (and culturally) play certain roles, we get to switch.  And changing off the lead can be fun, playful, inventive, and enlightening.  In sex we can choose to negotiate roles, reverse them, change our mind, all which makes things very interesting.  Sex is a great place to discover our innate male and female, our natural desire to both lead and follow.  This expansiveness in sexuality, a uniquely human invention of consciousness, lets us play in both roles–accessing our larger self, greater awareness, pleasure, and expanded spiritual soul.

 

So I love expressing my feminine on the dance floor, dressing sexy in high heels, and love the men who hold space for my dance.  And I love ‘tangoing’ in the bedroom knowing deeply the complimentary essence of power and surrender, their unique qualities and challenges, and choosing and weaving between them in every moment.

 

My favorite Austin Tango teachers are Monica & Gustavo at esquinatangoaustin.com and Daniela

 

 

 

 

Pornography Pros & Cons and How to Watch it

As a sex and Intimacy coach I decided since porn is a big part of today’s sex scene, I’d better know more about it, so I spent a good couple months watching…lots.  Very interesting experiment, I didn’t even need a vibrator. Instead of trying to answer whether pornography is good or bad, I decided you need to know 1) what porn will and will not do for you  2) how to find the good stuff  3) and how to watch it.  Porn can kickstart a hot sexual encounter, or get in your way of having good sexual relationships. Watching porn is a little like using a credit card—it’s a great tool when you use it right, but it’s easy to be seduced into bad habits and get into trouble. You choose.  Here’s five pitfalls of porn use—followed by five ways it can help you. 

Don’t expect Porn to—

1) Help you like your body—unless you’re twenty, a cute Barbie doll, or Ken with a ten inch cock, and have $$$ for multiple cosmetic and body surgeries.

2) Make you feel good about your orgasms—Unless your orgasms are always big, wet, pounding, quick, loud, consistent, and OFTEN–like EVERY TIME!  What’s wrong with you anyway?

3)  Make you closer to your partner—unless maybe you’re watching it together.

4)  Give you a realistic picture of sex, love and intimacy—but most movies don’t do that either.  So how do we learn mature, empowered, and spiritual sexuality?  Come and see me, or other teachers, read books, go to workshops and put some time and effort into this discipline—Study Pleasure!

5)  Be about Whole Body pleasure—Porn is ‘penis-vagina-wiggle-wiggle pop’ action.  Yep, the real-estate is a few square  inches between the legs. Forget about the rest of the body, it’s not important. Hey, Dudes, take note, WOMEN LOVE WHOLE BODY TOUCH (which also helps prevent premature ejaculation.)  Three cheers for Whole Body Sensuality, and Boo Boo wiggle-wiggle-pop.

 

Expect that Porn may help—

1)  Get you off…and off, and OFF, and….yes, if you find the right porn for you, it’s HOT.  Warning: getting off too often could start to feel troublesome or compulsive.

2)  Spice things up…with new ideas, laughter, positions, games, and conversations about sex.

3)  Make you feel NORMAL.  It’s NORMAL to be interested in sex, to love sex, to be an exhibitionist, to be a voyeur, to fantasize, to want to try new things—this is GOOD. 

4)  Give you company—with people right there in your own home (hotel, theater, etc.) being sexual, breathing heavy, moaning with pleasure, all glassy eyed (even if on screen.)

5)  Make you compulsive—You crave it, over and over, but it never seems to fill the hole (pun intended).  I know I stuck a negative in my positive list, but it needs another mention.  Shame on me, get out the flogger.

I suggest if you’re a couple, watch porn together, and experiment with the difference kinds of porn with a good guide book like The Ultimate Guide to Adult Videos by Violet Blue. Educate yourself, sample different genres—gay male, Lesbian, woman directed, features (with a story line, some set in Victorian times with candlelight and elaborate corsets), Gonzo (no plot), S/M, classics, and educational (yes!).

Find what you like.  While watching, keep your remote control handy—remember you’re in charge, don’t watch what doesn’t work for you. Find what you like (if anything) and use it.  Use it wisely as you use your credit card (hopefully), no reason to go into debt, pay late fees or become addicted to borrowing–if you’re smart.

A few of my porn favorites are, Velvet Tension (no intercourse in the whole movie!), Tipping the Velvet (great Lesbian), Matinee (real people, real sex from Blue Artichoke Films), Portrait of a Dominatrix by Ernst Green, feminine porn from director Candice Royal or other award-winning female directors, educational porn such as ‘how to’ videos, like how to give a good blow job by porn star (and nurse) Nina Hartley, and Talk to me Baby—A Lover’s Guide to Dirty Talk and Role Play. Lots to learn and enjoy.

And remember, if you don’t like the porn that’s out there, be proactive and MAKE YOUR OWN.  Let’s be the change we want to see happen!

Play the 3 Min Game

  How to Get and Give the Touch you Want

with sexual empowerment coach Charla Hathaway

Workshop for couples and singles, Central Austin, $55/person/or bring a friend $50/each

Next Date:  TBA


How Many?



 

The 3 Minute Game provides structure for you to tune into your body, your desires, ask for what you want, and respond to other’s requests. Playing is easy–you gain confidence and new ways to get more touch in life.  You feel safe, your body relaxes, and you experience more pleasure.

Often we say ‘no’ to intimate touch because we are afraid things won’t go our way–or spin out of control–so we  stop before we start…and end up feeling lonely and touch-starved. In this workshop you learn one-way touch (with permission) that translates into choice, trust and safety.  You’ll learn if the touch is ‘for you” or “for me” and why that is important.

Players of the game often remark, “time stopped, I could feel more, I didn’t have to worry about guessing or getting it right, everything slowed down.” In this context, you may be surprised how comfortable it is to give and receive touch in a group setting. In just a few rounds of the game, your performance anxiety and fear melt away and your natural curiosity and self-expression emerge.

You will both give and get just what you want…nothing more or less. Playing the game takes your intimacy skills to the next level and opens new doors. Workshop activities are sensual, not sexual, and clothes remain on. Couples may practice with each other, and singles are welcome.

Charla Hathaway, certified sex educator, sexological bodyworker and intimacy coach, is author of 8 Erotic Nights: Passionate Encounters that Inspire Great Sex for a Lifetime, and Erotic Massage: Sensual Touch for Deep Pleasure and Extended Arousal (available in nine languages). Charla, founder of Austin’s BodyJoy Intimacy School, has helped thousands find new ways to touch, talk and play that feel safe, sensual and satisfying. Sign up for her monthly newsletter.